LOST & FOUND

there is bridge I want to cross

2010-12-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

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That will take me where I want to go.. A clear sky, steady ground.. light and a unwalked path i will start tracing where the destination is not the most important thing but the journey.

2010-09-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

hah.. found this online.. is suppouse to be funny.. i found it amusing! that is the sign of the half-way house I went inpatient in.. Ill show you:

there ya go! .. similar much! lol

Anyway it brought back memories of the time I spend at the clinic, it was only 45 days, but You bet I can remember most of it.. Let me give u a tour throu out my 2nd home.. this pictures are from the site http://www.casamispah.com/

the entrance.. u can see the front door on the back.

Id clean that area occacionally, was one of my faves, I was able to get into the bushes and pick up leaves, look at weird looking bugs, do sittings without they realizing haha, and explote my OCD picking up all leaves lol.. that fountains water is always cold.

This is in the back of the house, whenever I smoked, Id do it here after dinner, sometimes. Cleaning here was also fun and OCD.. the kitchen is right there and you could take a look to what was goin on, what was on tables and try to guess what they would do for breakfast, lunch or dinner lol, didnt spend much time here tho.. but it was nice for when I needed to talk to a therapist, I would just drag him-her here and sesh about whatever was bothering me... It only happened once, Ive always been private about my stuff.

the patio!.. haha we had a ´carne asada´there once, but is usually used for outdoor therapy, group therapy, hence the big rounded table and chairs, those chairs were heavy at first, not so much later on when i got stronger haha.. next are two bathrooms, for girls and boys.. even when I was out I had to count, whisle or sing while peein ... umcomfortable as hell.. but that was only after meals. Sometimes at night after dinner we would go there to digest, talk and stuff with another people.. smoke, I had some intense convos with peers there, then EDA would gather there too on tuesdays and thrusdays. my fav. part was right in front of that..

the pool! I was only able to go in weekends cause weekdays i was busy doin homework or from therapy to therapy.. I had good swims there, most of the time I dig in alone.. no one would join me and that kinda made me sad. But after a couple of laps I was good. also there are tannin beds on the left, and i got an awesome tan from it.. yup.. weekends were legit. saturday you still have a therapy or two and AA.. but sunday, nothing the entire day is for you.. I felt really grateful for days off. I would get that time to organize my closet, give me a nice spa session, pemper myself, laundry and meditation.

Now, last but not least...

THE room!.. there were 5 beds!, but only two were in used, mine and my roomate.. no girls but us. When I first got in all 5 were occupied, slowly two left, then one.. and me and my roomate stayed together til last week when another girl join in, but we had to leave her alone cause we both had to go. It was nice ya know, having someone to share this with, my roomate P, wont say name and I get there the same day, only she left a day earlier, but still.. really made me feel not alone.

If I find pics of the rest of the house ill post them later. not the kitchen, we werent allow to go in unless we had permission or certain level of soberty. 45 days. I learnt a lot.. and Im truly happy and grateful for knowing what I know now. and making the changes Ive done. All I got left from this house are memories, cook sweet memories, I will cherrish forever!

Reality Check

2010-09-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

that's right.. i weigh myself this morning, after the jog...

I knew I had gained weight with all my binging on junk Ive been doing to myself lately, I was shaking when I step on the scale I just knew that like it always happens, this was again, a milestone.. this moment was huge, it was a reality check I had to take in order to make changes, and I thought of weighing myself again in another store as if the embarrancement from weighting myself in the street wasnt painful enough, I wanted to do it again, just to make sure.. how lame and OCD is that.. grrr.. anyways.. so I weigh what I thought was my worst case scenario, I've gone fat, big time!! and is not my ED talking, Im seriusy in the edge of become Overweight and Im scared like shit about it, wont lie a bit. Im T E R R I F I E D !!!

The moment I saw that number my head started heating up, I was angry, guilty, sad... feeling grumpy and in my head tons of ideas about fasting came across, even cutting... this is why weighting myself is such a huge thing for me, everything can happen either lead me to a 4000 calorie binge or to a 4 day fast. Go EDnos!.. But then I thought; I needed to do this for myself, I wasnt goin to be living a lie, I need facts!, not more lies, Im full of it! Is about time to see things as they are, accept them or do proper (healthy/sane) changes only to.. IMPROVE myself. what am I talking about? where is tania heading?

Hello?.. yeah, thats where Im heading towards! weighloss.. seems like Ive always been in this road, and well yeah I have, my entire life!.. but never actually get there, and if I do, I cant stay long thats because of my ways to getting there, they havent been functioning, instead Ive been screwing me over and over. Its time to break that cycle. I want change, I need to make it, Permanent!. so I will.. I've made mistakes like... you know typical water fast, binge, laxatives, fad diets, diet coke, splenda, coffee, duiretics.. they dont work, they just mess me up more. So Im starting little changes, and Im allowing to be hit by life, as it is, emotions and feelings, people and surroundings. I want to live. Sick of skiping. skiping meals, parties, goin out, moments, laughs, cries, memories, breaths... Im the one who's been fastfowarding my life, and is time to pause if for a sec, click play and actually enjoy it.

How am I gonna achieve weighloss withOUT fallin into my old ED habits?

I'll write, and let god do the work. :) Just like that.

So far, Is been 2 days diet coke free! and splenda free!.. I have been adding good quality and quantity of veggies and actual fruits to my meals and water, lots of it. I've been going for mornng jogs and Im loving it!.. and the fact I didnt inmediatly went overboard after reading THE number is huge.. my friends, that is MASIVE! I was able to hold myself, put myself together and let it go, let it passed. I breath and thought to myself, well.. these extra numbers and fat are going away anyways with my brand new healthy sane lifestyle..Im gonna give myself the time, space.. Im making a difference!

rite!

goin veggan?

2010-09-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

yup.. how about giving it a go to veggetables and fruits, cereals, wholegrain and nuts. Why not?

PETA concience, ya... after listening to the first 2 CDs of "Skinny Bitch" I was able to create a mental picture of the horrible things man does to animals, God loves them too! how polluted are farms, what they feed animals with!!. I like green, Im eating green!

Really good Read!

Aand now I find myself thinking.. would this trigger me into fall into my eating disorder again?

Hope not!.. But I seriously have learnt that a change requires more than just temporal, sporadical tiny changes here and there.. I need PERMANENT changes.. better choises, better decisions, better actions and in return, pretty damn good results! ~~karma!~~ And Ive known this since forever but like it says on the book; "you want to be skinny? use your brains!!" they have no idea how powerful are these words, or they do. Id never get tired of seeing how amazing it is to see human brain in action. is so complex! is so powerful!!

If I could get anything, anything... that would be being able to control my brain, have self control.. use it at my maximum.. how cool would that be. --- dot dot dot.. and the point was.. Im doing this for my own health. I even gonna quit ~~splenda, diet coke~~ and hear this: ~~coffee~~! :o!!!.. i know.. no more aspartame for me.. ridiculous, Ive been living on these drugs for the last 10 years! Is gonna be quite a challange, but I know Im doing the right thing. I want to be healthy, not just skinny... I want to be a skinny bitch, kinda. haha I want the control back, but this time in a more sane way yee?
- of course no smoking anymore.. tho I was never a real smoker .. I only smoked for a perioud of what, 3 weeks maybe.. thats it. during the clinic in patient program.. stupid self control, grr.. So ya.. no touching that either. I dont even feel like to. thats no problemo!

No meat, chicken, beef, fish, milk, chesse, eggs?!?! What the H bomb are you goin to eat?!?! ... well..

turns out vegetarians actually have a food pyradm just for them.. check this out:

Some of the foods Im introducing to my meals are: herbal tea, whole grain breads and cereals, water WATER water, fruits, vegetables, raw brown sugar, grains, nuts, beans, soy (oh soy), natural and organic goods. :o wow.. wonder what it´ll be like.. Im feeling really excited about it.

I might have to go slowly, cutting off my coffee, splenda and coke is hard enough, im giving myself a week to ban this mosters off, at the same time include more fruit and veggies to my meals and reduce as much as I can of meats and dairy. yays!

Ill be posting more, need to keep track of this changes.. plus is my way not to trigger myself into my ED, and still enjoy writtng and all about it. lol .. Next post on a totally different-similar subject commin on next.

small chair

2010-09-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

Im sorry, I really had to to do this...

sometimes, i feel like that.. but i know Im not, yet still feel my tights floating on air... stupid illiness, I swear If it wasnt because I know I have it, I would be trying to cut my thights off with a knife or something.. u.u

dont mind me today.

got the thumbs up

2010-08-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

On my last appointment with my therapist and psycologist.. i got both to keep their thumbs up for me! yay

My Pshycatrist first, said
-My hair was growing so thats good,
- I was dressin more female and that
- He noticed I had a good humor
- Figured I was more relaxed than times before.
- Congratulate me on my job

He change my dosis of meds and order me another Brain Map to figure if I should start quiting the pills or see how was my brainie working with the depression and stuff and said something really wise about my choise on what I want to do with my life.. I said to him I was frustrated cause what I had been working on, my career seems to have been put on hold, that I dont know if i want to go back, that ... Im afraid of failure again. Dunno if im good at teaching anymore, We talked about me being confused about this whole thing.

He said, that being good at something, like 'english' or languages or maybe even 'teaching' doesnt mean I have to be a teacher. I can do many things with my skills. All I have to do is to really apply for stuff.
As homework, he asked me to look up in universities here .. take a look at careers, possible likes.. and evaluate my situation right now. Would you like to study? YES! .. now I have to look up for universities.. apparently having too much free time harms me a lot more.

Now.. My psycologist, she gave me the thumps up too, mainly...
- Congratulated me on my job
- On being stable
- On improving relationship with the family
- On being less anxious and more relaxed thru out the session (my legs are usually in constant movement)
- On being motivated trying to look up for stuff to do and keep myself busy

It was really nice, like a bliss!.. but still we adress a couple of things that are bothering me, every morning.. I wake up to the same thinking.. "I ate too much last night, im getting fat, im a failure, do not eat, do not eat..." is like I have woken up but the nightmare is still goin on! However Ive been able to go to the kitchen and have a real breakfast.. I keep on eating cap thruout the day... but at least im not goin back to my old me.. still... It's really bothering me and the voices get louder and more demanding ya know. I dont know how long I can take it. D (my psycologist) adviced me on givin a read and understand a couple of pages she gave me on inner and outter changes that needs to be done by an adict to fully recovered. I am an adict. And truth is, Im afraid to changes... but I know I gotta face them. She also reminded me that this is a new life Im living, the recovery road and I should start living it by now.

so yeah. Homework was reading and the exact same thing my psycatrist O said... looking for carrers, what motivates me, there is no rush. and thats true. According to this test i did yesterday I got the profile of a vetarinary, public relationships manager and principal of some sort, I liked it, It sounds promising. haha. We'll see.

i cant help but listen

2010-08-25T11:21:00.001-07:00

gosh time goes by

2010-08-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

HAIRCUT!

...again...

Besides haircut .. work and so on.. Ive been thru a couple of things..

Right now im torn.. I want to go to the english hall.. serve there.. but man Ive been so torn lately.

I got this job, ever since i got out of the clinic k, 4 hour shift, the easiest job on earth, perfect schedual.. not in my career side, but hey i still make money right. I was all about goin to preach afternoons and so on but I mean, as soon as I get home i crash into bed like Im so tired.. and im not. i swear im not even that tired.

I believe is the pills.. Is killin me. Makes me feel like im lazy, im eating way too much and Im just not liking the feelin. I hate it.

Last month I've found myself looking for another part time job.. Ive bought a couple more things than i can afford and I know I need more money.. but Im scared of feeling.. ya know, stressed, cause when im stressed, Im just not myself.

And I start thinking, man.. Am I even capable, where is my limit, where sdo i wann ago, where do i want to stop?.. do i want to stop?..

How much is far enough. I wish.. so many things. I wish I didnt feel, I wasnt feeling dissapointed by myself, I didnt get my family dissapointed at me.. It breaks me, It hurts.

there are times when I dont feel part of the world as it is.. sometimes i feel.. like Im here, but Im not, like ive long gone, that I can make my own world part of this world too.. but I dont .. it cant. Im afraid... I will end up talking out loud, I confuse my worlds and got to lose my mind, look ridiculous.. Im scared.

The girl in the mirror will come out of it, take over me and I won be able to stop her, ... anymore.

down

2010-08-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

I cant stand myself.
Is not one of those, I cant see my reflection in the mirrors, I just chose not to, what bothers me the most is that sofocating, hurtful feeling of discomfort of my flesh being tighten to my mezclilla jeans, my hips split in two giant wheels of fat.. like lifesavers. pounding flesh, wavy arms... total disaster. that's me. The perception of myself is horrible right now.

I need a diet now.. Ive been thinking a lot about having those pills, anfetamines.. but thats a relapse just by taking them, again.. I need to find a better way out, a more effective one. But all I can think of is restrict-tania-restrict... Eating causes me guilt, cause well.. I know what I'm eating is no good and I know it will make me fat, I still eat it tho, as a way of sayiing, I dont care. But I gotta understand I care, I will always care about it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The illiness is there, I cant help it.

Eating has become also my way of punishment, I eat so I dont feel... never been so clear. And even tho I was released from the clinic with Anorexia, my fear to food is off the table .. Now I cant stop.. and that is what frightens me the most. I cant handle me, I cant handle the guilt. It inmediatly makes me feel like I need to do something, what comes to mind tho are not very conveniant answers such as: cut, isolate, keep it to yourself. I hate this stupid diciese!! All I want is to get over and done with it.

The pills give me that satisfaction, They make me lose the apetite, which means I no longet suffer in thinking what should I eat, feel tempted to eat crap like I do... pills are like heaven. but, Ill be hurting myself even more... fucking cycle. I hate this.

mirror inquiri

2010-05-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

after that psicotic episode at the clinic in front that mirror, i've been questioning myself If have I ever really seen myself as I am for real in a mirror.. or a refleccion of any sort. who to trust? If I cant even trust my eyes... This gave me lots of insecurities. Everytime I have to look at the mirror, I dont know what Ill see.. me?, her?.. who?
Then, when she starts talking.. and I get scared, she takes over me and I just watch.. I cant move. She's taking control over me and my actions, I dunno what she'll make my body to do next. I dont want to be her.

crazy enough for you?

=*

2010-05-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

stepback.. :(

2010-05-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

After a ~~"cough cough"~~ hard day at work.. I collapse, kinda like that.

Yesterday was rather intense.. I figured it would be since my sesh with my therapist the night before was it also. I had a long convo about emotional happenings, trying to figure out why was I so anxious and why it seemed like everything was so perfect, cause apparently, like learned already nothing is perfect, when things are going so smoothly you can make sure theres something evil hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting to be bother with the minimal amount of stress or emotional distress and ya know, Boom!!

She noticed I was hiding something, and ya.. I totally kinda "forgot" to mention a couple of things, like.. a) im having pills I shouldnt be having, I felt I needed them to control my anxiaty, problem is; they also disminish my apetite, and well... ya I've lost a couple of pounds within this week.. =/ .. about 5 pounds in less than week can't be good.. also obviously b) I weight myself, and I know I shouldn't have, I got obsessed over it again, it's costing me a lot to eat again, but im trying, Im litteraly draging my body to the kitchen to eat, is really hard right now. Im having an official stepback.

We also talked about the possibility of goin to the clinic again for a week, I dont want to cause I got a job, a life kinda happening and I cant be hiding from it all.. She agreed with me, I dont need contention right now. I need to deal with my problems now, and Is hard. Just trying to figure out what my problem is, is hard... is way too easy to hide evrything behind the mirror, the scale or the food.

I figure tho, some stuff that might be moving me emotionly could be... my exboyfriend comming to get me at my work almost daily.. I cant have a relationship, just because Im not ready.. I cant deal with emotions like that .. Im so afraid of being rejected or on the other hand engage in some sort of way. I just can't take a desicion like that right now, also my bff in town depends on me most of the time and I worry too much, and I cant think of anything else. =/ I quit eating to be with her or help her somehow, but I really need stability, and is not her problem, is mine.. I shouldnt be like this.

Also, Im not sure if Im goin back to school, Im kinda procrastinating that as well. I need to work this out one by one.

I still dont have a plan, depending on how I feel tomorrow Ill join the gym with a friend =) .. Im quite excited about it. GYM!.. Im hoping that makes me feel hungry but not anxious and I could eat better then. I might have to quit those pills.. I need to go with my drug dispenser (aka: psycatrist) in order to know what to do now. ---

ugh.. so University.. I went to this university to give my testimony, talk about my history with anorexia and bulimia and treatment to a bunch of girls and guys studying nutrition, I hate dieticians, but they're my saviors.. I told them they should be firm but cautios with the way they treat us... because of how we mix emotions and food, and the role control have at least in me. . . Also did mention my perfect dietician would be the one that has a comunication with my therapist, and knows my condition and detonators and stuff.. also kind, but firm.. wouldnt that be great. -- I do have a story about my dietician but I will be telling you later .. is time to go to bed. ^^ I truly enjoyed the testimony thing and the class.. people were stunning thinking and asking questions about ya know evrything, I felt alright. It felt good, Im happy I could give the message to others, I dfntly want to keep on doing this kinda thing. :)

I better go.. :) au revoir!

weird cloudy day

2010-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well.. its been quite a while.. over a month I've been out of the clinic... And is not easy.. at all.
I know.. I knoow

i kinda am having problems eating... getting myself to eat is hard.. it was at first cause i would eat more than i should ... then.. under medication.. that i shouldnt have had... i cant even get close to food.. is disgusting. w.w

I cant eat now.. not like i normally would do..if u call that 'normal'.
uh.. im trying now, it sure is a struggle.

im glad at least i have smthing to do.. work.. oooh
i saw my psycologist today.. she invited me over to her class to give a speech about my disorder. It will help me a lot.. cause Ill be able to talk about it.. in public.. but im also really nervous... w.w
these people are my age.. who knows.. what if someone from there was sometime in one of my clases!

being paranoid.. just a bit. w.w
tomorrow will be interesting

@ work..

2010-05-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

i just thought of uploading another pic.. i have lots to talk about.. I will post in a couple of hours.. my plan is to escape to a cafe to write down some stuff, blog and be alone for a bit.. after that Im goin with my bff lilian to see a play .. yay!..

yup.. not feeling likely to go home at all. beah

I got paid ysterday!.. my expenses so far have been right. but if i continue with this pace im gonna run out of money in less than a week.

luv!

my bff 'n me @ work

2010-05-15T15:55:00.001-07:00

what is my job like..

2010-05-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

Heei ya!

Im at work! yaay.. allow me toshow u what is all about to work in a decoration store... :)

- I sell you things... pretty things... like.. dat ( hint: my eyes) . It makes your kitchen, bathroom, living room, house prettier for sure. It also makes me rich so ... is a win-win situation kinda thing.

- I make the store look prettier by cleaning up furniture and accesories... I dont mind it since im a Dust Nazi. =)

THEN..

- I wait.. for you to come and ask me something!.. and even if u dont ask me.. I will be telling you cause.. cause.. i know about selling -bwaha- ... in the midtime.. i just wait.. and.. wait...

and WAIT... this can be reely tiring.. and boring if i dont have my laptop with me or anything else to do. although it almost never happens cause I always find a way to entretain myself, one way or another. like I said... theres always some dust that needs to be aniquilated. -witty smile-

thats my job :)... peace OUT.. im gonna be out pretty soon now.. I wants pizza!

first day at work pt2

2010-05-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

Day One!
It was quite entretaining, I cant wait for my first selling thing.. haha.. although im happy just cleaning up, is awesome actually cause since Im very obsessive over stuff... including cleaning the dust and stuff like that, moping floors... i like things being clean so that is no probem for me at all. Im loving it!

Minutes after I was off from work, My exboyfriend appear... he got me this:

Hershy's kisses... man.. i was so hungry. Bad Idea.

He also gave me a ride home and we talked on the way... He looked really good actually, and god ive been wanting to kiss someone lately.. ahaha.. lame. anywaay, he also gave me a lil souvenir he brought me from when he went out of town, so cutee!.. But no tania focus!! Recovery now! ugh..

time to go to bed.. work tomorrow :)

about the kisses.. i did have them all in one sitting.. how i feel?.. like shit i didnt miss my dinner tho, I was gonna feel even more guilty if i did.. but tomorrow im working trying foods that are healthier and less grasy and stuff.. I mean, I know ive gain weight, no I havent weight myself, i fear the scale a lot still.. so yup.. I need to lose w.e. ive gain, til i feel fine again ill weight myself.. i know for sure smthing is wrong just bc my period totally messes up when im not eating correctly and i havent had it in a while again, even tho im eating... w.e. I need healthy good stuff now.. and lose gained weight.. Im still terrified about becoming fat and my body image days arent the best.. AT ALL.. suck-ie!

Itll be a better day tomorrow! :)

first day at work pt. 1

2010-05-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

yup yup!

tania is up for a job right now!

My outfit is dftnly anything but what it looked on my interview... but since a) Im getting a uniform and b) Is an art enviorament.. it might just not be that big of a deal.. i almost look great hey! hehe

Is an interir design store ill be woking in, my boss is lovely and I will be working with my BFF so that makes it even more easy and pleaseful :) .. man.. I cant wait.. I gotta go now.

ttyl pals!

looove ya

meow-ie!

2010-05-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

Wanda was my first kitten.. She found me one night she was just standing at my door.. a night of a hurrican Lane hitting Mazatlan, there was no way I was going to let that lil white ball of fur alone in the rain.. I hide her in my room and my parents didnt realized til the next day. It was quite a surprice for everyone. I was allowed to keep her for at least 2 months. then I had to give her away. My sister hates cats =(.

-----

Just yesterday... I adquired a new kitten Im very proud of.. her name is Katrina..she's a Russian Blue kitten, only that i cant have it at home cause they'll kill me, so right now its at a friends house .. and it looks exactly like this: (but cuter)

So far.. Ive realized is a cat with attitude, she's got a very unique meowing and likes dark cuddling places, she enjoys being alone as much as she loves exploring, eating lottos and owning the house.. she's a doll!.. I fall in love wit her the second I saw her.. :) And I adopted her .. yay! she's the greatest kitten ever.

My bff got a cat too.. it's a gray tippey cat.. is really cute!! very playful, curious and attention whore... only that he doesnt have a name yet. Will soon.. im sure. Im gonna go check on my kitty tonight and probbly spend the night there. Not so sure, but hopefully right. Yay.. so.. this might be a pic of our kittens in a coup of years.

HOW CUTEEE!

ps. I promise to update pics of my actual kitten asap :)

what is it like

2010-04-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

What's recovery like?

well... recovery is a major bitch.. Now if u mean the half-way clinic... well then that was paradise! It was as if they took away all my problems (which they did) away. No pressure of anything, nor stress, it was just me and my disorder, and we werent fighting all the time, we were dealing with each other. I learnt to live with it.

I learnt that it is possible, that there is a solution. I also learnt there are things that will never go away like my body dysmorphia :(, my personality and of course my problems with food. I didnt go to th clinic to be cured. I went there so I didnt die or fall deep down in my anorexia. It worked.

I got estabilized, I even drop a couple of pounds while i was staying there. I enjoy food most times now.. I knew I wasnt ready to leave the clinic when I did but I prayed to god for help. And Im here right now. Situation is.. I hate meal plans, I know what I should be eating and Im trying to keep a balance but Im not being "perfect" about it. I dont want to get obsess. So im just trying to do whats right. =) Is crazy to think that by eating 5 times a day I can lose weight (not important).. and feel better about myself, that my solution to my emotional imbalance is not a bar of chocolate or a week fast but to talk about it.. Is now my decision to make a fool out of myself or step fowards and do something good for myself for my own good now.

life turned out white

2010-04-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there! I'm back!

After 45 days in a rehab clinic due my eating disorder I made it thru my first and hopefully only clinic and rehab treatment. These were the happenings before goin in-patient:
- surviving on coffee, chocolate & diet coke only
- walking all over mazatlan nonsense
- throwing up anything that wasnt my "regular food".
- wanting to change (aka: eat) but not being able to
- tired, weak and dazed
- extream and ridiculous fear to food and fat
- captured by parents, they watching every move
- quitting school/ not attending
- horrible & terrifying Body Image days
- total isolation no internet, friends or meetings.

That last week my parents were trying to get me to drink ensure, but i wouldnt have it... not in a regular dosis, i was just having a ridiculous hyper mini dosis while they forced me to have it id kick and scream.. I couldnt believe they wanted me to get fat, to me anyways. it was horrible. Like a mere nightmare that wouldnt go away. My end was set infront of me when my dad screamed, cried and layed down to the floor in a fist of impulsiveness... he gave up, like a lil 5 year old boy.. he surrended. And I wondered... how am I suppouse to beat this monster, is overtaking also my family. Is not fair. Is beyond me, I need help.. and my parents.. they need some rest. I decided then that as soon as I get the chance to go to that clinic I would say yes. I wouldnt second guess it again... yet again I havent reach my deep end I dont think I want to be there, tho my sick inner person is dying to be in the edge. still today.

Ive learnt a lot within the time I was in the clinic. Id love to show you what was it like every day. Surpricing, Melancolic, and tearful... I cried almost everyday, I hated, I loved, I smiled, I mourn. but above all things I learnt. Good things. :)
I know I shoudnt be scared to food, there is no point in doin so... is my diesice and I understand that now.. but im not happy about it. I hate the fact that I cant deal with my emotions, my feelings, that they overwhealm me everytime.. that I cant just deal with it without having to involve food.. Im learning how not to... I do fair good enough. I need more coping mechanisms, I just noticed. Ill tty about that in a bit. next post hey.

Heres where I stand today. A week after getting out of the clinic. I first manage to manipulate my family oh so well!! I knew I did already even before the meeting, but now it was just more notorious for me cause I noticed their codependence to me.

second strike.. out?

2010-02-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

Second time Ive been sat with my parents in therapy to discussed the possibility of me goin in-patient.

The first time it happened I negotiate with them I was gonna get better.. and I did.. I was taking my meds, I gain weight, I was doing school, but I was still feeling like crap most of the time.. still I did some progress! In fact, my visit in december to my phsycatrist was a major success. He even said he'd be reducing my intake of pills and that I had had major progress as well... of course now with this relapse it is just not gonna happen.

I dunno how much weight i've lost, but apprnlty enough to make me go inpatient for at least a week.. two weeks top, im hoping. I know is the best for me, but Im terrified by it. Im mostly concern about no communication what so ever, no internet, phone, tv, no internet!! :(.. then Im not allowed to be in the kitchen, or part take in any decision concerning to my food, Im taking everything in. And is just so not fair. This really scares me. And I know nothing about physical activity.!! they do have a basketball basket and a pool =p, dont know if im allowed tho.

Something funny happen after the meeting with my parents and my ED especialist and psycologist; my parents tried to turn the house into a clinic .. treating me like a sick person. They dont want me out, Im suppouse to be eating with them and all. I cant go out at all.. no physical activity and thats just driving me nuts. I just ran up and down the stairs for a bit cause I cant stay still this much and i was suffocating. :( I think because Im not walking enough and losing condition. Ive been secretly wanting to escape and walk the malecon or something to make me feel better. Im not eating enough, My parents are now more aware of it and I hate that. Is not like I dont want to, I try... stupid voices.

Anyway.. my family is concern, all of them, Ive got aunts, uncles, cousins and stuff comming to the house making me feel like a baby.. sucks, but at the same time, i aint going to lie, I like it, but i feel so retarded.. Im 20 for gods sake!

This time.. I want recovery. Is hard, im scared. but hopefully Ill do alright.

Im just a lil bit worried cause my doc said he'll contact my dad but he hasnt yet. So Im thinking, maybe is not that important?.. back and foward thinking no good.

I. Like. Food.

2010-02-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

i do, i do ...

current status

2010-02-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Ok.. heres the deal.
ive been avoiding me posting this here.. but i figure i needed to let things out see if I can order my ideas and make any sense.

Lets talk about trich.. as I call it for short, also known as Trichotillomania (spelling) has been with me for over 10 years.. I wasnt aware of her companion until I started seeing the patches of no hair in my head.. and handful of hair behind my shoulders. I knew I had to stop.. I tried many things; gloves, hats, punshing myself, hair wet, hair wrap, haircuts, hair treatments, councelors, antidepressents, even highlights once so I could make myself feel better.. and there were times I was fine, but as soon as something would go wrong, stress or simple boredom .. u would see my hand goin up my head with no return ticket.

Trich or "hair pulling disorder", is usually known for the uncontrolled urge for pulling ones hair, either from your head, arms, legs, pubic hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. In my case I'd only do arms, sometimes eyebrows but mainly from my head, It has been categorazied as a obsesive compulsive disorder, theres people who also eat the hair, thats however not my case.

The first time I heard about Trich was on a Magazine about self-harm in 2004, I inmediatly said that wasnt me, It wasnt my case!, cause I wasnt punishing myself when I'd do it, many times it was just cause of boredom, for no reason, even without noticing. It was really hard for me to believe there was such a condition since everyone, EVERYONE.. would touch their hair from time to time right?, only that not ALL people would leave patches of no hair and be so frustrated about not being able to stop.

Commun Questions:
Does it hurt?
Front middle area, yes.
Above ears and sides, yes.
Middle of scalp, yes.
Everywhere else, no. It doesnt!. I dunno if I got used to, I just simply like it, I find it relaxing and yes, I do feel the hair getting out of te scalp, is alright, I dont mind it. And yeah.. if u pull my hair I will notice and slap you too, cause It does hurt and the only one pullin my hair will be mee, me not likes people touching my hair.

Am I bold?
NO.. been close to, but no.

Why dont you just stop?
I cant.. litteraly I just cant!.. You can hit me as many times as you want putting my hand down, Ill get it down, but that wot make me stop. Next thing can be my arms or lips.. (no hair on my lips i know, i mean if they are dry I usually take the dry skin off).
And you can show me the most horrible picture of a person with trich, no hair, w.e. I will freak out, I will react, but I wont stop.. I know that if I continue like this I will be bold in a matter of a year or more.. but that wont stop me. I cant stop. And that is what really hurts.

Right now is like.. both ED and Trich had revealed against me. Those two lil bastards.. ugh.. Is been crazy lately, and Im afraid. My parents dont see a progress, I dont see a progress.. I am not feeling very good in my eating is concern.. Lets say that since I started restricting and fasting on purpose, now that I want to eat more is being really hard.. yesterday for instance I broke my streak of no purging.. but I just couldnt hold in my dinner.. it sucked.

Me wants a brain surgery. Im pretty screwed.

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness | Never Say Diet

2010-02-17T15:15:00.000-08:00

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness Never Say Diet

trich is back.. kicking hard

2010-02-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

If is not this.. is that...
One way or another, theres always something up.

back!

2010-02-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

Im home!!
The weekend was epic, but it was rich and I really like it.
- I accepted my ED as part of me, not my whole.
- Im grateful to my family and friends
- I believe I can recover
- I promise myself I wont hurt me anymore
- Im proud of my progress
- I have to work in body image and rituals.. more on that later.

--

2010-02-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

kjsdflksaj

epic weekend ahead

2010-02-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

So the plan is..

im kinda going in-patient for the weekend..
man.. i just didnt see that comming

school works

2010-02-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

Allow me to introduce you to my class and.. ~~the pizza boxes~~. that day was the day of that post.

These were the kids Ive been with for 2 years.. but then I decided to let go off them cause I wasnt good enough or.. ya know w.evs. I got my diagnosis for depression, I had a horrible breakdown I was going back and fowards, My ED was my world and I sadly was proud of it. very sadly.. Anyway.. Im not in the same classroom with them anymore.. isnt that funny.. and lame.

bleh.. this people are really nice.. now let me share with you the girls and the boys seprtly.

GIRLS

BOYS

School really works for me is the only thing that can keep me disconected from my disorder and my self destructive being, I mean, seriously is like freaking cannabis, If Im aware and focus on the information with the right motivation.. nothing will stop me. Im just there loving it. I love learning. There are a couple of events comming ahead. One is in Cancun, to what im really excited! I really want to go to the conferences there. When have I been in Cancun? Nevaa! firstie please!

Im really looking fowards to that.. I want to take the best out of school.
^^

a pic with my new class must be taken and uploaded soon

i dont want to feel

2010-02-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

he surpriced me. again.

I wasnt expecting seeing him, or having him following me.

We broke up a week ago, something that wasnt meant to happen, just happened.

I was at the bus stop when he approached, gave me an enveloped of x ray in a card.

- first thing i thought about, omgshii..pleasepleasedontletitbeabrokenheart!, He looked so cute and his mouth was trembling.. We said hi, we said bye.. and I walk off the feelings by walking to my house from school.

Inside... was this:

the dignosis was: "I cant get you out of my head"

and this...

Im a freaking rock. :'(

-.-

2010-02-03T12:13:00.001-08:00

tired.

cupcake of death

2010-02-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

I JUST KNOW I SHOULDNT HAD :(

W.W

SAD

...

i know

~~im being such a dramma queen~~

graphic source: www.nataliedee.com

Back to school

2010-02-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Current Situation: Im retaking a course on Learning and Teaching Environments.

This school year was kinda tough for me, I was continusly depressed, anxious and bipolar and wouldnt attend to any of my classes, no one could look at me like that, I was such a failer.

Sometimes I'd think; "Im too damn fat to fit on those chairs".. or "way too skinny and people wont stop telling me i looked "sick"". - I used to care too much -. Still do sometimes. Chances are I might not care that much anymore. Cause It's about time I start living, having responsabilities, breath for my on nosals instead of gmas and dads .. Man Im screwed.

First day was alright. I got to be in a new classroom with new people, although some of these people I knew from somewhere before. I recognize this girl I used to talk to ~~-kindof-~~, but now I can't cause she's disfellowsheeped, which is a term, jw would use more likely for people that have made serious flaws (aka:sins) and as a discipline you cant talk to them anymore, from what I know, it works.. so fine!. Im pretty comfortable being a witness, I wont change that now. Still, that makes things pretty uncomfortable. Now I also met this girl, that I've met before a while back, only that she changed a lot, A LOT, she's just not the same lil' girl. I like her, so is all good, I guess Ill talk to her. :)

I walked today from school to my house, to what other people in my class stare at me with a typical are-you-insane stare, ugh... people. I end up in a cafe having a chocolate muffin and a regular capuccino.. felt like crap.. obviously, but i felt i deserved it.. I think im a endorphins junkie :(, and well.. since I refuse to take it from people.. man Im gonna grow like a freaking whale!.. but.. no.. that wont happen, I wont allow myself to. ugh.

wow.. i totally miss my point here. grrAARG

Im just REALLY upset I had that.. and binge on other food later. But i have a plan. Im gonna lose weight dang it. :) I gotta take good pics for Paris on the summer right? :)

Bonjour Paris

2010-02-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

BONJOUR! guess who is going to Paris this summer?? MOI!! yup! My uncle seems to be in a very good mood and I am no longer gonna ignore that, if he wants an can have me and my sister going and staying in his place for a month or two, I got no complains, I'll cook him quesadillas all day. :)

Now that I think about it, skipping my french lessons was such a huge mistake. I could've done better and not look like a complete loser in the parisian streets, it's gonna be priceless.. ^^

Im really excited, we're talking about PARIS! France, Rome, Spain, Holand, Germany!! not only the other side of the world but ... well ya.. the other side of the world :) how freaking awesome is it!! If I were you I would be dying of jelousy - just sayin -

i like that pic

2010-02-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

He was just trying to see the inside of me, the hidden.

He wanted to know what was behind my grays,

under my mask, underneath all those shades..

Behind the neutral, the automatic .

I never allowed him to;

the part of me he never knew.. that I still dont know..

the side I hide because it harms,

the monster in me I ignore and expect for the world to do the same

Not to accept it nor understand it.. just let go.

He promise he'd let go.. but I know it will happen again,

I knew my tears will come back, my secrets will be shown in my stare,

I'd push him away once again for no reason at all..

Im not there for me, Im not there for him.

There's no tania to share cause theres no tania at all.

"I never loved nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind

All these voices

I hear in my mind all these words

I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart"

by Regina Spektor

peting the monster

2010-01-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

GIVE ME A ~~freaking~~ BREAK!. That, I tell to my reflection every day. The stupid mirror is being a MAJOR buttache... my body image days havent been good, at all. Im just all over the place.

Reasons I have plenty, and I can blame it on the air, the contaminated air, the breeze, humid annoying breeze, the most random thing i bump into, but the only one who's fault is it, its moi. I'm the one that cant keep up with the problems I face, the fear and frustration of new situations, or old ones, the negativity.. ugh it's all gray! .. My coping mechanism is just pretty much screwed.

Today I went to school.. Had this forum thing going on, it was pretty good! :) but then.. lunch time! ..

l u n c h t i m e!!

we went to gran plaza.. i inmediatly knew what id ask for; chicken salads wrap (200kcal) and diet coke. The rest of the crew i was with decided to ask for gross fatty pizza.. ugh cheesy and greasy pizza!

I was served first, Couldnt finished my meal but I was truly stuffed by the time the pizza got in the table... they offered me a slice.. to which i respond to with an im-about-to-throw-up-all-over-your-face look. I didnt meant to, I was going for a Im-stuffed look, as simple as that... w.w

Watching them all eating that crap was a ... mmm, i guess delightful experience, hehe .. watching the chunks of greasy cheesse goin into their mouths I was terribly excited about how all those trans fats, satured fats, carbs, oils and so forth werent going down MY belly, but theirs!!.. I didnt had to piuk or burn them or even worry about those calories accumulating, man.. it was almost refreshing!! I almost burst into laughter and tears of joy for no reason, it was somehow very VERY pleasent.. almost orgasmic =)

k, k enough.. u get the point.

* I know what kind of food I should be eating in order not to be caught up into my disordered eating habits, and healthy and fullfilling food is a very good choise for that not to happen.. plus.. dont u just hate throwing up lettuce.. yikes *

2010-01-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Hands on the mirror, can't get much clearer

Can't make this all go away

Now that you're bleeding you stare at the ceiling

Watch as it all fades away

Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness

Doctor could you be my priest

You say you're mistaken, but look what you've taken

You laugh as you lie through your teeth

a blast from the past

2010-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

I had my last "big" relapse tracked in my last blog.. I thought of posting it here. just a reminder of old self-observation patterns... w.w
I need to pet the beast.

===================================
11.8.09

danger ahead?

Long story short.. I'm on a diet.
I dunno where did I took the courage to do an actual diet, to stand in front of my dietician ... ugh just so nervraking . I wanna think I can do this, but Its been only 24 hours of dieting and I already throw up a no-no in my diet that I shouldnt have eaten, reduced portions of my meals and had obsessive thoughts about dieting and fatting up with every gram that comes into my mouth, again =/ .. Ive suggested myself to do more efford than this diet requires, to which I shook my head as soon as I realize I'm wrong. What if tho.. What if theres a point where I cant recognize im wrong anymore..

I start working tomorrow. I better go!.. Im ~~thinking in skipping~~ but I just cant do that or else Ill be skipping things again. Skipping life no more.

In short; my bulimia seems to be back. Is not a big deal tho, I dont think it is.

I'm having pills of fiber bubbles to make me feel stuffed before actually eating, plus a 1100 kcal diet and fat burn injections.. Yesterday I got 18 shots!! In my hips and waist. Im not gonna lie. I am scared.

========================
16.8.09

danger Im in...

As usual.. I broke the diet the 3rd day, u got money in my hands you got me goin to evry single restaurant in town spending the whole amount in stuff i dont need to eat and throwing them in the toilet, litteraly.. w.w .. pretty sad.
Ive been giving it lots of thought but I think I really need this this time..

Im getting sibutramina tomorrow.. I need to lose weight so bad.. especially since failing to my dietician diet :(.. Im suppouse to see her at 7 tomorrow .. I dont know ill have the courage to do so.
The pills will make me feel better, Im sure.

Also tomorrow Im going to the beach with my guy =3 .. im soo happy!..
despite it all ^^

TYPED OUT BY THANIA @ 9:09 PM

group therapy

2010-01-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Over a year without group therapy.. Is .. Interesting.

off to reality land

2010-01-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

mission accomplished!!
no ED behaviors durin the trip, I cant help feeling like a massive pig for eating all that crap i ate tho, I better start working out as soon as I hit home.
My fam and me are heading back home in a couple of hours maybe, in midtime I've been doing some cafe word and farmville madness.. FB is driving me OCB i swearies.

The mini trip and vacations are over, u.u

I had a blast here, I always do, is so calm and clean.. Yesterday we went to this park I love and walk and walk. Went thru old town walk down its roads sing out laud songs with no purpose in the empty streets. =)

Monday we went to guadalajara and it was awesome too, didnt got to purchace anything worthy but a lil crystal rock in heart shape. We also walked around galerias, this mall.. Id love to live in a big city just for the fun of it, for at least a couple of years, there is so much to do, a day is not enough.

My year starts once I get home.. Im not confortable with myself, and I know I will never be, but I really need to try. I joined sparkpeople newslater and membership and I will try to log in there as much as possible, track down my food and workout, blog out there.. is a really good motivator to keep it healthy.

g2g.. we're heading home!

new year.. new.. smthing

2010-01-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

happy 2010!!!.. (and 3 days ^^')

yaay.. here's how my new years eve went
After a looong and exahusting "discussion/fight" with my parents with me trying to convince them the fact that I was sleeping over at a friends house where my boyfriend would be staying at as well that same night wont be bringing a new member to the family 9 months later.. which i totally did convice them about :) (proud of myself) I'm still quite surprised my dad actually agreed even when all the family was giving their negative opinions and picturing me and misael doing the forbithen, where is the trust?!, anyway.. i took the first yes and got ready =) my dad and uncle took us (me and lance) to the house/mansion at the hill :)

I spent the night with a couple of families in my hall watch a movie and a homevideo, then hang out with the girlies til 4 am, playing "kill, kiss and marry" game which was overheard by the guys 'sleeping' in the next level. Some girls got in trouble, I dunno how much Im in trouble cause I left mazatlan and my boyfriend a day after .. We also talked about our crushes and stuff my boyfriend doesn't need to listen to, like my 4 year obsession/crush/worship with a terrible guy he knows and doesnt like already. Or that within 20 years of living tania, I've got more than 10 different crushes or my most embarracing moments in a bar trying to flirt with a waiter I thought I was familiar with but really wasnt.. at all. In short.. Im a slut.

Me and melissa got a room for ourselves with the view of mazatlans ocean in front of us, got awake by the massive belga shephard my friends own.. he started licking my face welcoming me to 2010 morning.. way to go!. the guys had gone surfing on the beach a block away from the hill so we took advantage of that and made level two own too =) For breakfast we made creps with potatoe and meted chesse and with strawberry jam, nutella & whipped cream, there were lots of chips and cookies and chocolate brownies, this family loooves to bake fat .. I know. That was a horrible thing to experience, I was able to eat and try not to worry too much, I manage not to purge but the guilt and regret follow and is still there, Im just trying not to accumulate stuff on me.

Right now Im on vacation and I will enjoy it. Im in Tepic, this lil town 3 hours away from Mazatlan, and I freeking loovee it. the smell, the narrow dusty rocky streets ^^ .. It just bring out so many happy moments of my childhood, It keeps me smiling all the time, Is calm and relaxing, surraounded by hills and mountains everywhere .. it makes it feel safe.

Anyway.. plan is we will be heading to guadalajara for a day =) shop a lil.. nose bleeding caue it just aways happens lol and do turist stuff, like shoplifting in the supermarket and taking stupid pictures with no purpose woohoo!

g2g eat smthing now.. au revoir kidos

Im thinking I left ED behind me.

convention day 1

2009-12-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

Todays convention was intense :)
During the first part there were talks about how close we are to the end, and in the second part we consider the family, what to do to keep us alert. They released a DVD about gods creations and a Song book we're not getting 'til April. The songs sounded nice, It felt really great. I sense the love of jehovah by giving us all this information to digest. Im really happy about it.

Got awesome notes too =) yay!

Today also.. my boyfriend was suppouse to be in town, and im not sure if he is.. :( I dont know anything about him. He just sent me an email saying he's not in town.. i noticed that already.. anywaay
He seems to be learning lots, with proyects and goals in mind.. his trip might had been an awesome motivator for him and Im really really happy about it. I cant wait to hear what he has to say .. I miss him and I never thought I would really feel this way with a guy. seems like im giving in, after all we've been together for 5 months! wow where does time go ..

Saade family got here yesterday and we hang out, I met this kid Lance, he's interesting. thats all im gonna say

happenings!

2009-12-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Convention starts tomorrow!! Im almost ready, also tomorrow my bf gets home! he says theres lots to be said, Ive miss him crazy but Im not obsessed so that's good. Obsession is wrong when it happens, Im glad im not so obssess in relationships, or at least that what I think.

Im a very bff girl.. I have god knows how man bffs and they're all very special to me, for many reasons, each one of them has something very important and unique that have delivered to me and made part of my now personality.
Lily - She knows me like no one else, All i know about friendships I know because of her, I learn to cultivate and give in a friendship, she's been with me for 14 years.. i love her to death.
Lizy- Met her in highschool, gave me huge confidence and help me to acept myself in a way of saying what i think and believe and was always that blue pill I was in need of for my self steam to grow, Independent and Strong, she became my confident and I became hers. The fact that I was able to keep secrets, listen and keep on with stories was facinating for me. Plus I learned to value my gift on speaking english and take it as part of me, she helped me a lot to learn how to speak it and not being afraid to do it. I wouldnt think of what people thought, but for once in what I believed, my english is awesome and I have no problem letting people know how awesome my english makes me as a person. Made me believe in my achivments.

Ali - The foreing friend, that friend u met online and become best friends with, I happen to appear to her in a time of distress in her life and me, I was "changing" ... I was looking fowards to transform myself when she arrived in a not very healthy way. I wasnt looking fowards to make friends at the time, but it happen.. she stayed at my house for 15 days, saw her transformation infront of me from blues to rainbows and we just bond. click!, just like that. She helped me realized of how blessed I was in where I lived, made me appreciate all I had and open the door for me to feel comfortable with people with compleatly different backgrounds, I became quite emphatic and I used to take the role of mom sometimes, which was funny, really hearing myself and self observing myself watching over this girl was hilarious, but most of the times we were just friends, really good friends, we knew how to have fun and evry day was especial in its very unique way =).. After she left we kept in touch, we have our differences but it's been 4 years and we are planning on living together. Means a lot she trusts me enough to put herself in the situation of living with me, she has no clue. lol .Her sense of humor, culture and the situations we've been trhu had helped me to understand people in different situations, be able to know til' what extent I am able to help people and be adaptable. It has been a great experience but most of all.. a very close relationship with a best friend. She delivered so much to my personality that people started telling me I was different, that I had changed.. apprntly I did, was Ali a part of it? theres a strong possibility she was, or is.

Kiria- This girl is the best bud. My confidence on her build in very slowly. He would hangout more with my sis, I was isolated, she was always there but never really took her into account til recently. I notice both of us share same points of view with my "sick" part and I needed someone to share this with and that would understand my pain, and she did. We share very dirty secrets as well, but Id understand her and she would understand me. And I felt free.. She is also the kind of party girl you would take to a "forbitten" place and ure sure she wont say anything about it .. You gotta love her. Only problem is when we get distanced we can loose our touch :(.. ps. I miss her.

Brenda.- This is my bff and mom friend, the girl that really cares about you and wants the best for you, she's always worried and knows when something is wrong, I loved her ever since I saw her smile from across the street, I also noticed we had tons of stuff in commun, she was also the first girl I met with anorexia, she was always in trouble of some sort but because of time we couldnt got time to talk for once... but evry chat we had would be loaded of heavy subjects and would let us wanting more as usual.. She moved away and I really miss her now, we barely keep in touch, I dont want to seem like a stalker, but I love her and miss her a lot and still think on what is she doing and if she remmembers me.

Aleyda- From University, this girl is fun to be with, clumsy and interesting, very perfectionist at the same time, creative, I freaking love her. She is only a friend from school, but I dfntly consider her a bff cause I care for her and I know she cares for me as well. I wish she was a witness.

my pet & unrelated subject

2009-12-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

Aaaand.. this is SOUKY :).. my lovely poodle babe, she's 14 doggy years (2 years) .. today we (gma&me) got her a oh-so-cuute yellow&orange dress since she cant put it together with the cold in the morning, now she's all cozy and comfy in her lovely new coat. that spoiled beast.

... on a unrelated subject.. do i really want this? :

It's not me, is the menu

2009-12-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

Im suppouse to be under a meal plan, ever since they/I noticed something was wrong with my eating habits like in the very beggining, we're talking about 5 years ago I should've done that, and I tried I swearies I did, but it was just too hard, still is, sometimes. I dunno what to do about most of my eating, I mean.. today for instance.. didnt do my morning walk and I was provoquing myself not to have breakfast because of that, a lil "compensatory behavior" or w.evs, I force myself to cook an egg, and had a coffee with one of those killing mexican sweet breads.. ugh, with a tiny lil spot of pineapple jam in the very top .. they're such a delicacy.. hate them mucho.

But the fact I had a lil' too many carbs for breakfast was killing me, so I didnt have lunch, smart not.. so far.. thats all thats in my stomach and due to my historial, I dont think is good this to happens to me very often.. but i just cant keep a record of a single day when i can say I did extreamly good eating all groups of food and stuff is always a lil too much of this, and a lil too nothing of that

Im planning on do something to have good meals evryday.. Im not very excited about it because it means I will be counting calories, carbs, fats and stuff.. and I seriously enjoy not payinn to much attention to food since when I do is when the obsession begins, and fears and all that stuff that wont allow me have a normal life.. or attempting to have one.

So far all I know is I really need to get a job, start a life or something, even my dad told me I should start looking now.. no pressure. But really I think I should, I mean.. Im 20, no job, career or anything similar to a real future ahead. Im just lame. I even think I should be gettin a job that hurts.. just to pay off.

Getting a job right now is not a problem, is the holidays, people is really busy and theres always lots to do, but my job will only be temporary, so thats good.. I really want to take the english lessons seriously tho. ugh. Is it my time? I dont want to grow up :(

all over the place

2009-12-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a loong weekend.. my bf is out of town and me misses him crazy, I'm truly happy for him tho, I know he's learning lots where he is and even tho I can’t be there and share that moment with him, I’m glad he is and he's bringing me a copy of w.e. they published :) hah.. I’m so excited about having my Spanish convention ** I've waited so long for it to be here, and is just 3 days from now!! woohooo.. I still have to get me some clothes to be ready =) can’t wait!! ..

In another unrelated subject I had the chance to go out last nite and join my sister and friends sing out loud in a random neighborhood eating tacos sitting on the sidewalk... -fun fun!!- yet I decided to exercise my fingers with the TV remote instead; watched a documentary on who was Jesus the Christ from discovery channel very interesting and juicy stuff.. The last episode of Mexico Next Top Model, again, and a quarter of DHW, intense as it was, I could've had more fun with the guys - buu me - I got intimidated by a lil’ chat they had when they came home to use the restroom.. It was something like this:

- Ugh! I’m going running tomorrow!! I’m soo fat (super skinny 16 year old girl talking), I weight myself and I wanted to cry!
*Tania’s eyes rolled*
- How much you weigh?
- 56 kgs ((ARE YOU SERIOUS?))
- Oh, You weigh less than me, I’m 58kgs
- Yea, but you are taller than me, which chances things
- Look at this *shows toned legs* Fat!
*Tania’s head hurts 'n wants to shut them up in a not-very-nice-definitely-not-loving-manner*
- I need exercise
- I need to stop eating
*Tania runs out of the room -thinks; I’m not standing this- I know what happens after that, after expressing the "needies" to lose weight follow the "anorexia, bulimia jokes" and that is lame to hear, no one has a minimal idea, it really upsets me and found it quite triggering sometimes*

They left and I ran to the store to get me chocolate cookies, shame on me... I wanted to feel lame I guess, for weighting more than this two girls who shout out their weight just like that hmm... so I did felt lame, But I mean I can’t avoid these lil’ chats, people have them and I can’t always just run away from the situations or act like a psycho and shut them up I need to stay calm and let them pass, and don’t let me affect me, I’m not ready for that yet, I know now, something I gotta work on. Anyway, then I watched some more movie parts, Lindsay Lohan was in one of them; Freaky Friday. If it wasn’t because I have a boyfriend I swear people would think I have lesbian tendencies, I tend to stare at her, badly, Lindsay was, back in the day, my major "ideal" cause she wasn't a stick, She was a real girl, with flesh, body and all, now she's all bones and aids but that’s her issue right. Anyway, why should we make another person our ideal? Wrong. I used to take famous girls like her as my ideals, those who weren’t perfect and admitted having mistakes, yet looked unique, those human and not fairy tale characters because I’ve never believed in happily ever afters, I've always looked for an ideal I guess.. ugh.. Let’s not get philosophical in this post now…

oh in other news.. There’s a RAT in my house, a RAT, I’m talking about a 30 cm long ball of fur beastie! I was watching random movies and sico adds when the ewwies monster happen to appear next to the refrigerator in the kitchen, in a nut shell I looked away for a bit and it wasn’t there anymore.. I ran to my room check on the doors, closed my door, the bathrooms and my parents, that thing kept me hallucinating all night but at least it took off my mind of other things, it wasn’t that ugly, it got a gray-brown fur color and I can promise you she looked at me and winked while licking its rear end (pukies) ... Asco mucho!. Not a very nice image to go to bed with.

On Saturday nothing spectacular happened. I happen to hate shopping for clothes, most times and that’s what it was all about Saturday. I’m a girl, I love looking at clothes but I can’t help seeing super skinny models wearing them in my head and me on them looking like a fat-arse tamale. The only idea of trying on clothes sometimes makes me feel suffocated, frustrated, sad, quite scared and angry (childhood memories). I don’t hate all mirrors… the one in my room and I have a love-hate relationship, but those in clothing stores and fitting rooms, ugh witches. Hate them all, but I guess sometimes it depends on how my week is going in the "eating" department; this subject I believe deserves a post on its own. I should go now and look for that shirt and skirt I need for the convention, once I’m over that I'll get peace or something I suppose.

-luuurv you... hmm you

who doesnt love twilight..

2009-12-19T18:48:00.001-08:00

Stolen cartoon from a fellow worker on the bloggin world.. thanks for making life more interesting and easy.. copy-paste. =) *claps* blogxygen she is awesome! C=

a trip to my psychiatrist

2009-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

As in seeing that doctor you've been avoiding an entire month (or two) to whom you have commited to get better (still confused on what this implies) wasnt hard enough, you had to also take that detonator with you cause she wants to "ask some lil' questions to the doc"... Here's the truth.. Im not a fan of my psycatrist, I basicly just go there to get free medication for my forgotten and dusty depression in the back of my head and some colorful drugs he subscribes me too.. not sure what those ones do to my system, w.e. it is I guess works out, so people says, hence the pressure on taking my pills and not forgetting about them, heh.. i guess I got them a lil scared and worried last time I "forgot" to take them... It wasnt a very pretty escenario, like.. at all.

so.. the apptmnt went good.. the first 30 minutes anyway, until we hit hard ground with my detonators "lil questions".. She asked...
- Im quite nervous for Tania.. Im not sure if is her (read this) condition or if is only her.. How much can I request from her? Can I make pressure over her? (ugh.. more?)
** The docs looks at me, looks at my companion, looks at me again.. awkard silence, changes his leg position awkardly and says... **
- That's all tania.
** To this, my bomb detonator started accomplishing her funtion when started talking and rambling about how big of a failer I am, massive dissapointment and frustration a shame for he family (why?) .. how worst could it get?.. I burst in tears right there **
- Well, you gotta understand tania was raised in a very overprotective enviorament that didnt allow her to experiment consecuenses, hence why she's so scared of performing new things or move fowards when she knows she'll have to face something she's not ready for, never been.. but capable of. *lots of compliments here* She needs to see things for herself, without much help but only support from your part.

**ouch.. my detonator was so quiet by then.. and me.. i was sobbing like crazy.. and still crying out out of the sudden.. i guess thats what us with a "condition" of crazyness or w.e. do**

As soon as I got out of that hellish of a clinic with my eyes still stiring rivers and sobbing I ran to get me a fried mexican dessert.. call it punishment or glory.. I just felt like it an I did.. no purging followed but regret and guilt.. I'm used to this, a reminder i guess I happen to have a lil issue with food I havent control entirely, oh well... whats one more added to the list. Bite it.We end up goin to Walmart to get some late night needed stuff.. more food (fun fun.. NOT).. I was quiet all the time, nothing comming out of my mouth at that moment would've been good im sure, but I was feeling like devouring the entire store and not pay for anything as well!.

ps. I hate hall 9.. cookies and chocolates shouldnt be in the same place is just too suicidal. =/ aaand diabetic seccion is only a quarter of a hall :(... and its sugar free chocolates and cookies shouldnt cover their nutrition labels with other non-senses labels, how is a real diabetic person goin to believe you.. marketing? hello?

So.. I learned this.. is not my "condition" something to blame for my horrible and stupid decisions... It was me *tear* who made them, should be a reason behind them, Im sure there is, somewhere in my subconcience, seems like all it wants is to get me into trouble.. All I can do really is try do be more consistent and responsable, since thats what I lack of. It was also good the doc talked to my detonator, ever since then she just doesnt talk to me the same.. she's been really quiet with me and I've been also refusing any help she gives me to be "independent" yet.. I did got a pedicure she paid for today.. heh.. c'mon give me a break, this is hard!! cut me some slack my feet were really in need. they're all clean and soft now =).

lovee no readers =)

Summer all year thru =)

2009-12-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

Where I live is always warm.. people is warm, weather is warm... Is the perfect spot.

Mazatlán is blessed with warm tropical weather, and I bet there are not many places you can go to the beach on December without getting a severe pneumonia due the cold salty waters from the ocean. That doesnt happen here :) yay me! Plus, you can totally survive here with only basic "hola-donde esta el bano-gracias-adios" spanish :) woohoo!

I was born and raised in Mazatlan, Mexico... a small town that rapidly grew into this amazingness of a city hah.. ok.. is not THAT big of a deal, but I am certainly quite proud of my lil' piece of tropical pacific coast, it's georgeous. I love..

... the beach & its sunsets :)

... the art, history & culture =)

I love it here.. as you can see.. every single aspect of Mazatlan (most of them) brings me some kind of peace.. relaxation with its beaches and warm from people. Rich in many aspects, I've been blessed in living here.. (hmm i guess.. thank u mom and dad? idunno)

>>>
I decided to talk about my town for my first post... just because I can i guess.. I wanted to talk about a lil piece of me, and that is for sure my hometown. You want to know more about me? check out my profile for more of that juicy stuff kittens ;)

- loove from mama :)