there is bridge I want to cross

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That will take me where I want to go.. A clear sky, steady ground.. light and a unwalked path i will start tracing where the destination is not the most important thing but the journey.

hah.. found this online.. is suppouse to be funny.. i found it amusing! that is the sign of the half-way house I went inpatient in.. Ill show you:

there ya go! .. similar much! lol

Anyway it brought back memories of the time I spend at the clinic, it was only 45 days, but You bet I can remember most of it.. Let me give u a tour throu out my 2nd home.. this pictures are from the site http://www.casamispah.com/

the entrance.. u can see the front door on the back.

Id clean that area occacionally, was one of my faves, I was able to get into the bushes and pick up leaves, look at weird looking bugs, do sittings without they realizing haha, and explote my OCD picking up all leaves lol.. that fountains water is always cold.

This is in the back of the house, whenever I smoked, Id do it here after dinner, sometimes. Cleaning here was also fun and OCD.. the kitchen is right there and you could take a look to what was goin on, what was on tables and try to guess what they would do for breakfast, lunch or dinner lol, didnt spend much time here tho.. but it was nice for when I needed to talk to a therapist, I would just drag him-her here and sesh about whatever was bothering me... It only happened once, Ive always been private about my stuff.

the patio!.. haha we had a ´carne asada´there once, but is usually used for outdoor therapy, group therapy, hence the big rounded table and chairs, those chairs were heavy at first, not so much later on when i got stronger haha.. next are two bathrooms, for girls and boys.. even when I was out I had to count, whisle or sing while peein ... umcomfortable as hell.. but that was only after meals. Sometimes at night after dinner we would go there to digest, talk and stuff with another people.. smoke, I had some intense convos with peers there, then EDA would gather there too on tuesdays and thrusdays. my fav. part was right in front of that..

the pool! I was only able to go in weekends cause weekdays i was busy doin homework or from therapy to therapy.. I had good swims there, most of the time I dig in alone.. no one would join me and that kinda made me sad. But after a couple of laps I was good. also there are tannin beds on the left, and i got an awesome tan from it.. yup.. weekends were legit. saturday you still have a therapy or two and AA.. but sunday, nothing the entire day is for you.. I felt really grateful for days off. I would get that time to organize my closet, give me a nice spa session, pemper myself, laundry and meditation.

Now, last but not least...

THE room!.. there were 5 beds!, but only two were in used, mine and my roomate.. no girls but us. When I first got in all 5 were occupied, slowly two left, then one.. and me and my roomate stayed together til last week when another girl join in, but we had to leave her alone cause we both had to go. It was nice ya know, having someone to share this with, my roomate P, wont say name and I get there the same day, only she left a day earlier, but still.. really made me feel not alone.

:)

If I find pics of the rest of the house ill post them later. not the kitchen, we werent allow to go in unless we had permission or certain level of soberty. 45 days. I learnt a lot.. and Im truly happy and grateful for knowing what I know now. and making the changes Ive done. All I got left from this house are memories, cook sweet memories, I will cherrish forever!

Reality Check

that's right.. i weigh myself this morning, after the jog...

I knew I had gained weight with all my binging on junk Ive been doing to myself lately, I was shaking when I step on the scale I just knew that like it always happens, this was again, a milestone.. this moment was huge, it was a reality check I had to take in order to make changes, and I thought of weighing myself again in another store as if the embarrancement from weighting myself in the street wasnt painful enough, I wanted to do it again, just to make sure.. how lame and OCD is that.. grrr.. anyways.. so I weigh what I thought was my worst case scenario, I've gone fat, big time!! and is not my ED talking, Im seriusy in the edge of become Overweight and Im scared like shit about it, wont lie a bit. Im T E R R I F I E D !!!

The moment I saw that number my head started heating up, I was angry, guilty, sad... feeling grumpy and in my head tons of ideas about fasting came across, even cutting... this is why weighting myself is such a huge thing for me, everything can happen either lead me to a 4000 calorie binge or to a 4 day fast. Go EDnos!.. But then I thought; I needed to do this for myself, I wasnt goin to be living a lie, I need facts!, not more lies, Im full of it! Is about time to see things as they are, accept them or do proper (healthy/sane) changes only to.. IMPROVE myself. what am I talking about? where is tania heading?

Hello?.. yeah, thats where Im heading towards! weighloss.. seems like Ive always been in this road, and well yeah I have, my entire life!..  but never actually get there, and if I do, I cant stay long thats because of my ways to getting there, they havent been functioning, instead Ive been screwing me over and over. Its time to break that cycle. I want change, I need to make it, Permanent!. so I will.. I've made mistakes like... you know typical water fast, binge, laxatives, fad diets, diet coke, splenda, coffee, duiretics.. they dont work, they just mess me up more. So Im starting little changes, and Im allowing to be hit by life, as it is, emotions and feelings, people and surroundings. I want to live. Sick of skiping. skiping meals, parties, goin out, moments, laughs, cries, memories, breaths... Im the one who's been fastfowarding my life, and is time to pause if for a sec, click play and actually enjoy it.

How am I gonna achieve weighloss withOUT fallin into my old ED habits?

I'll write, and let god do the work. :) Just like that.

So far, Is been 2 days diet coke free! and splenda free!.. I have been adding good quality and quantity of veggies and actual fruits to my meals and water, lots of it. I've been going for mornng jogs and Im loving it!.. and the fact I didnt inmediatly went overboard after reading THE number is huge.. my friends, that is MASIVE! I was able to hold myself, put myself together and let it go, let it passed. I breath and thought to myself, well.. these extra numbers and fat are going away anyways with my brand new healthy sane lifestyle..Im gonna give myself the time, space.. Im making a difference!

rite!

goin veggan?

yup.. how about giving it a go to veggetables and fruits, cereals, wholegrain and nuts. Why not?

PETA concience, ya... after listening to the first 2 CDs of "Skinny Bitch" I was able to create a mental picture of the horrible things man does to animals, God loves them too!  how polluted are farms, what they feed animals with!!. I like green, Im eating green!

Really good Read!

Aand now I find myself thinking.. would this trigger me into fall into my eating disorder again?

 Hope not!.. But I seriously have learnt that a change requires more than just temporal, sporadical tiny changes here and there.. I need PERMANENT changes.. better choises, better decisions, better actions and in return, pretty damn good results! karma! And Ive known this since forever but like it says on the book; "you want to be skinny? use your brains!!" they have no idea how powerful are these words, or they do. Id never get tired of seeing how amazing it is to see human brain in action. is so complex! is so powerful!!

If I could get anything, anything... that would be being able to control my brain, have self control.. use it at my maximum.. how cool would that be. --- dot dot dot.. and the point was.. Im doing this for my own health. I even gonna quit splenda, diet coke and hear this: coffee! :o!!!.. i know.. no more aspartame for me.. ridiculous, Ive been living on these drugs for the last 10 years! Is gonna be quite a challange, but I know Im doing the right thing. I want to be healthy, not just skinny... I want to be a skinny bitch, kinda. haha I want the control back, but this time in a more sane way yee?
- of course no smoking anymore.. tho I was never a real smoker .. I only smoked for a perioud of what, 3 weeks maybe.. thats it. during the clinic in patient program.. stupid self control, grr.. So ya.. no touching that either. I dont even feel like to. thats no problemo!

No meat, chicken, beef, fish, milk, chesse, eggs?!?! What the H bomb are you goin to eat?!?! ... well..

turns out vegetarians actually have a food pyradm just for them.. check this out:

Some of the foods Im introducing to my meals are: herbal tea, whole grain breads and cereals, water WATER water, fruits, vegetables, raw brown sugar, grains, nuts, beans, soy (oh soy), natural and organic goods. :o wow.. wonder what it´ll be like.. Im feeling really excited about it.

I might have to go slowly, cutting off my coffee, splenda and coke is hard enough, im giving myself a week to ban this mosters off, at the same time include more fruit and veggies to my meals and reduce as much as I can of meats and dairy. yays!

Ill be posting more, need to keep track of this changes.. plus is my way not to trigger myself into my ED, and still enjoy writtng and all about it. lol .. Next post on a totally different-similar subject commin on next.

small chair

Im sorry, I really had to to do this...

sometimes, i feel like that.. but i know Im not, yet still feel my tights floating on air... stupid illiness, I swear If it wasnt because I know I have it, I would be trying to cut my thights off with a knife or something.. u.u

dont mind me today.

got the thumbs up

On my last appointment with my therapist and psycologist.. i got both to keep their thumbs up for me! yay

My Pshycatrist first, said
-My hair was growing so thats good,
- I was dressin more female and that
- He noticed I had a good humor
- Figured I was more relaxed than times before.
- Congratulate me on my job

He change my dosis of meds and order me another Brain Map to figure if I should start quiting the pills or see how was my brainie working with the depression and stuff and said something really wise about my choise on what I want to do with my life.. I said to him I was frustrated cause what I had been working on, my career seems to have been put on hold, that I dont know if i want to go back, that ... Im afraid of failure again. Dunno if im good at teaching anymore, We talked about me being confused about this whole thing.

He said, that being good at something, like 'english' or languages or maybe even 'teaching' doesnt mean I have to be a teacher. I can do many things with my skills. All I have to do is to really apply for stuff.
As homework, he asked me to look up in universities here .. take a look at careers, possible likes.. and evaluate my situation right now. Would you like to study? YES! .. now I have to look up for universities.. apparently having too much free time harms me a lot more.

Now.. My psycologist, she gave me the thumps up too, mainly...
- Congratulated me on my job
- On being stable
- On improving relationship with the family
- On being less anxious and more relaxed thru out the session (my legs are usually in constant movement)
- On being motivated trying to look up for stuff to do and keep myself busy

It was really nice, like a bliss!.. but still we adress a couple of things that are bothering me, every morning.. I wake up to the same thinking.. "I ate too much last night, im getting fat, im a failure, do not eat, do not eat..." is like I have woken up but the nightmare is still goin on! However Ive been able to go to the kitchen and have a real breakfast.. I keep on eating cap thruout the day... but at least im not goin back to my old me.. still... It's really bothering me and the voices get louder and more demanding ya know. I dont know how long I can take it. D (my psycologist) adviced me on givin a read and understand a couple of pages she gave me on inner and outter changes that needs to be done by an adict to fully recovered. I am an adict. And truth is, Im afraid to changes... but I know I gotta face them. She also reminded me that this is a new life Im living, the recovery road and I should start living it by now.

so yeah. Homework was reading and the exact same thing my psycatrist O said... looking for carrers, what motivates me, there is no rush. and thats true. According to this test i did yesterday I got the profile of a vetarinary, public relationships manager and principal of some sort, I liked it, It sounds promising. haha. We'll see.

-

i cant help but listen

gosh time goes by

HAIRCUT!

...again...

Besides haircut .. work and so on.. Ive been thru a couple of things..

Right now im torn.. I want to go to the english hall.. serve there.. but man Ive been so torn lately.

I got this job, ever since i got out of the clinic k,  4 hour shift, the easiest job on earth, perfect schedual.. not in my career side, but hey i still make money right. I was all about goin to preach afternoons and so on but I mean, as soon as I get home i crash into bed like Im so tired.. and im not. i swear im not even that tired.

I believe is the pills.. Is killin me. Makes me feel like im lazy, im eating way too much and Im just not liking the feelin. I hate it. 

Last month I've found myself looking for another part time job.. Ive bought a couple more things than i can afford and I know I need more money.. but Im scared of feeling.. ya know, stressed, cause when im stressed, Im just not myself.

And I start thinking, man.. Am I even capable, where is my limit, where sdo i wann ago, where do i want to stop?.. do i want to stop?..

How much is far enough. I wish.. so many things. I wish I didnt feel, I wasnt feeling dissapointed by myself, I didnt get my family dissapointed at me.. It breaks me, It hurts.

there are times when I dont feel part of the world as it is.. sometimes i feel.. like Im here, but Im not, like ive long gone, that I can make my own world part of this world too.. but I dont .. it cant. Im afraid... I will end up talking out loud, I confuse my worlds and got to lose my mind, look ridiculous.. Im scared.

The girl in the mirror will come out of it, take over me and I won be able to stop her, ... anymore.

down

I cant stand myself.
Is not one of those, I cant see my reflection in the mirrors, I just chose not to, what bothers me the most is that sofocating, hurtful feeling of discomfort of my flesh being tighten to my mezclilla jeans, my hips split in two giant wheels of fat.. like lifesavers. pounding flesh, wavy arms... total disaster. that's me. The perception of myself is horrible right now.

I need a diet now.. Ive been thinking a lot about having those pills, anfetamines.. but thats a relapse just by taking them, again.. I need to find a better way out, a more effective one. But all I can think of is restrict-tania-restrict... Eating causes me guilt, cause well.. I know what I'm eating is no good and I know it will make me fat, I still eat it tho, as a way of sayiing, I dont care. But I gotta understand I care, I will always care about it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The illiness is there, I cant help it.

Eating has become also my way of punishment, I eat so I dont feel... never been so clear. And even tho I was released from the clinic with Anorexia, my fear to food is off the table .. Now I cant stop.. and that is what frightens me the most. I cant handle me, I cant handle the guilt. It inmediatly makes me feel like I need to do something, what comes to mind tho are not very conveniant answers such as: cut, isolate, keep it to yourself.  I hate this stupid diciese!! All I want is to get over and done with it.

The pills give me that satisfaction, They make me lose the apetite, which means I no longet suffer in thinking what should I eat,  feel tempted to eat crap like I do... pills are like heaven. but, Ill be hurting myself even more... fucking cycle. I hate this.

mirror inquiri

after that psicotic episode at the clinic in front that mirror, i've been questioning myself If  have I ever really seen myself as I am for real in a mirror.. or a refleccion of any sort. who to trust? If I cant even trust my eyes... This gave me lots of insecurities. Everytime I have to look at the mirror, I dont know what Ill see.. me?, her?.. who?
Then, when she starts talking.. and I get scared, she takes over me and I just watch.. I cant move. She's taking control over me and my actions, I dunno what she'll make my body to do next. I dont want to be her.

crazy enough for you?

=*

stepback.. :(

After a "cough cough" hard day at work.. I collapse, kinda like that.

Yesterday was rather intense.. I figured it would be since my sesh with my therapist the night before was it also. I had a long convo about emotional happenings, trying to figure out why was I so anxious and why it seemed like everything was so perfect, cause apparently, like learned already nothing is perfect, when things are going so smoothly you can make sure theres something evil hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting to be bother with the minimal amount of stress or emotional distress and ya know, Boom!! 

She noticed I was hiding something, and ya.. I totally kinda "forgot" to mention a couple of things, like.. a) im having pills I shouldnt be having, I felt I needed them to control my anxiaty, problem is; they also disminish my apetite, and well... ya I've lost a couple of pounds within this week.. =/ .. about 5 pounds in less than week can't be good.. also obviously b) I weight myself, and I know I shouldn't have, I got obsessed over it again, it's costing me a lot to eat again, but im trying, Im litteraly draging my body to the kitchen to eat, is really hard right now. Im having an official stepback.

We also talked about the possibility of goin to the clinic again for a week, I dont want to cause I got a job, a life kinda happening and I cant be hiding from it all.. She agreed with me, I dont need contention right now. I need to deal with my problems now, and Is hard. Just trying to figure out what my problem is, is hard... is way too easy to hide evrything behind the mirror, the scale or the food.

I figure tho, some stuff that might be moving me emotionly could be...  my exboyfriend comming to get me at my work almost daily.. I cant have a relationship, just because Im not ready.. I cant deal with emotions like that .. Im so afraid of being rejected or on the other hand engage in some sort of way. I just can't take a desicion like that right now, also my bff in town depends on me most of the time and I worry too much, and I cant think of anything else. =/  I quit eating to be with her or help her somehow, but I really need stability, and is not her problem, is mine.. I shouldnt be like this.

Also, Im not sure if Im goin back to school, Im kinda procrastinating that as well.  I need to work this out one by one.

I still dont have a plan, depending on how I feel tomorrow Ill join the gym with a friend =) .. Im quite excited about it. GYM!.. Im hoping that makes me feel hungry but not anxious and I could eat better then. I might have to quit those pills.. I need to go with my drug dispenser (aka: psycatrist) in order to know what to do now. ---

ugh.. so University.. I went to this university to give my testimony, talk about my history with anorexia and bulimia and treatment to a bunch of girls and guys studying nutrition, I hate dieticians, but they're my saviors.. I told them they should be firm but cautios with the way they treat us... because of how we mix emotions and food, and the role control have at least in me. . . Also did mention my perfect dietician would be the one that has a comunication with my therapist, and knows my condition and detonators and stuff.. also kind, but firm.. wouldnt that be great. -- I do have a story about my dietician but I will be telling you later .. is time to go to bed. ^^ I truly enjoyed the testimony thing and the class.. people were stunning thinking and asking questions about ya know evrything, I felt alright. It felt good, Im happy I could give the message to others, I dfntly want to keep on doing this kinda thing. :)

I better go.. :) au revoir!