peting the monster

GIVE ME A freaking BREAK!. That, I tell to my reflection every day. The stupid mirror is being a MAJOR buttache... my body image days havent been good, at all. Im just all over the place.

Reasons I have plenty, and I can blame it on the air, the contaminated air, the breeze, humid annoying breeze, the most random thing i bump into, but the only one who's fault is it, its moi. I'm the one that cant keep up with the problems I face, the fear and frustration of new situations, or old ones, the negativity.. ugh it's all gray! .. My coping mechanism is just pretty much screwed.

Today I went to school.. Had this forum thing going on, it was pretty good! :) but then.. lunch time! ..

l u n c h   t i m e!!

we went to gran plaza.. i inmediatly knew what id ask for; chicken salads wrap (200kcal) and diet coke. The rest of the crew i was with decided to ask for gross fatty pizza.. ugh cheesy and greasy pizza!

I was served first, Couldnt finished my meal but I was truly stuffed by the time the pizza got in the table... they offered me a slice.. to which i respond to with an im-about-to-throw-up-all-over-your-face look. I didnt meant to, I was going for a Im-stuffed look, as simple as that... w.w

Watching them all eating that crap was a ... mmm, i guess delightful experience, hehe .. watching the chunks of greasy cheesse goin into their mouths I was terribly excited about how all those trans fats, satured fats, carbs, oils and so forth werent going down MY belly, but theirs!!.. I didnt had to piuk or burn them or even worry about those calories accumulating, man.. it was almost refreshing!!  I almost burst into laughter and tears of joy for no reason, it was somehow very VERY pleasent.. almost orgasmic =)

k, k enough.. u get the point.

* I know what kind of food I should be eating in order not to be caught up into my disordered eating habits, and healthy and fullfilling food is a very good choise for that not to happen.. plus.. dont u just hate throwing up lettuce..  yikes *

Hands on the mirror, can't get much clearer

Can't make this all go away

Now that you're bleeding you stare at the ceiling

Watch as it all fades away

Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness

Doctor could you be my priest

You say you're mistaken, but look what you've taken

You laugh as you lie through your teeth

a blast from the past

I had my last "big" relapse tracked in my last blog.. I thought of posting it here. just a reminder of old self-observation patterns... w.w
I need to pet the beast.

===================================
11.8.09

danger ahead?


Long story short.. I'm on a diet.
I dunno where did I took the courage to do an actual diet, to stand in front of my dietician ... ugh just so nervraking . I wanna think I can do this, but Its been only 24 hours of dieting and I already throw up a no-no in my diet that I shouldnt have eaten, reduced portions of  my meals and had obsessive thoughts about dieting and fatting up with every gram that comes into my mouth, again =/ .. Ive suggested myself to do more efford than this diet requires, to which I shook my head as soon as I realize I'm wrong. What if tho.. What if theres a point where I cant recognize im wrong anymore..

I start working tomorrow. I better go!.. Im thinking in skipping but I just cant do that or else Ill be skipping things again. Skipping life no more.

In short; my bulimia seems to be back. Is not a big deal tho, I dont think it is.

I'm having pills of fiber bubbles to make me feel stuffed before actually eating, plus a 1100 kcal diet and fat burn injections.. Yesterday I got 18 shots!! In my hips and waist. Im not gonna lie. I am scared.

========================
16.8.09

danger Im in...


As usual.. I broke the diet the 3rd day, u got money in my hands you got me goin to evry single restaurant in town spending the whole amount in stuff i dont need to eat and throwing them in the toilet, litteraly.. w.w .. pretty sad.
Ive been giving it lots of thought but I think I really need this this time..

Im getting sibutramina tomorrow.. I need to lose weight so bad.. especially since failing to my dietician diet :(.. Im suppouse to see her at 7 tomorrow .. I dont know ill have the courage to do so.
The pills will make me feel better, Im sure.

Also tomorrow Im going to the beach with my guy =3 .. im soo happy!..
despite it all ^^

TYPED OUT BY THANIA @ 9:09 PM

group therapy

Over a year without group therapy.. Is .. Interesting.

off to reality land

mission accomplished!!
no ED behaviors durin the trip, I cant help feeling like a massive pig for eating all that crap i ate tho, I better start working out as soon as I hit home.
My fam and me are heading back home in a couple of hours maybe, in midtime I've been doing some cafe word and farmville madness.. FB is driving me OCB i swearies.

The mini trip and vacations are over, u.u

I had a blast here, I always do, is so calm and clean.. Yesterday we went to this park I love and walk and walk. Went thru old town walk down its roads sing out laud songs with no purpose in the empty streets. =)

Monday we went to guadalajara and it was awesome too, didnt got to purchace anything worthy but a lil crystal rock in heart shape. We also walked around galerias, this mall.. Id love to live in a big city just for the fun of it, for at least a couple of years, there is so much to do, a day is not enough.

My year starts once I get home.. Im not confortable with myself, and I know I will never be, but I really need to try. I joined sparkpeople newslater and membership and I will try to log in there as much as possible, track down my food and workout, blog out there.. is a really good motivator to keep it healthy.

g2g.. we're heading home!

new year.. new.. smthing

happy 2010!!!.. (and 3 days ^^')

yaay.. here's how my new years eve went
After a looong and exahusting "discussion/fight" with my parents with me trying to convince them the fact that I was sleeping over at a friends house where my boyfriend would be staying at as well that same night wont be bringing a new member to the family 9 months later.. which i totally did convice them about :) (proud of myself) I'm still quite surprised my dad actually agreed even when all the family was giving their negative opinions and picturing me and misael doing the forbithen, where is the trust?!, anyway.. i took the first yes and got ready =) my dad and uncle took us (me and lance) to the house/mansion at the hill :)

I spent the night with a couple of families in my hall watch a movie and a homevideo, then hang out with the girlies til 4 am, playing "kill, kiss and marry" game which was overheard by the guys 'sleeping' in the next level. Some girls got in trouble, I dunno how much Im in trouble cause I left mazatlan and my boyfriend a day after .. We also talked about our crushes and stuff my boyfriend doesn't need to listen to, like my 4 year obsession/crush/worship with a terrible guy he knows and doesnt like already. Or that within 20 years of living tania, I've got more than 10 different crushes or my most embarracing moments in a bar trying to flirt with a waiter I thought I was familiar with but really wasnt.. at all. In short.. Im a slut.

Me and melissa got a room for ourselves with the view of mazatlans ocean in front of us, got awake by the massive belga shephard my friends own.. he started licking my face welcoming me to 2010 morning.. way to go!. the guys had gone surfing on the beach a block away from the hill so we took advantage of that and made level two own too =) For breakfast we made creps with potatoe and meted chesse and with strawberry jam, nutella & whipped cream, there were lots of chips and cookies and chocolate brownies, this family loooves to bake fat  .. I know. That was a horrible thing to experience, I was able to eat and try not to worry too much, I manage not to purge but the guilt and regret follow and is still there, Im just trying not to accumulate stuff on me.

Right now Im on vacation and I will enjoy it. Im in Tepic, this lil town 3 hours away from Mazatlan, and I freeking loovee it. the smell, the narrow dusty rocky streets ^^ .. It just bring out so many happy moments of my childhood, It keeps me smiling all the time, Is calm and relaxing, surraounded by hills and mountains everywhere .. it makes it feel safe.

Anyway.. plan is we will be heading to guadalajara for a day =) shop a lil.. nose bleeding caue it just aways happens lol and do turist stuff, like shoplifting in the supermarket and taking stupid pictures with no purpose woohoo!

 g2g eat smthing now.. au revoir kidos

Im thinking I left ED behind me.

convention day 1

Todays convention was intense :)
During the first part there were talks about how close we are to the end, and in the second part we consider the family, what to do to keep us alert. They released a DVD about gods creations and a Song book we're not getting 'til April. The songs sounded nice, It felt really great. I sense the love of jehovah by giving us all this information to digest. Im really happy about it.

Got awesome notes too =) yay!

Today also.. my boyfriend was suppouse to be in town, and im not sure if he is.. :( I dont know anything about him. He just sent me an email saying he's not in town.. i noticed that already.. anywaay
He seems to be learning lots, with proyects and goals in mind.. his trip might had been an awesome motivator for him and Im really really happy about it. I cant wait to hear what he has to say .. I miss him and I never thought I would really feel this way with a guy. seems like im giving in, after all we've been together for 5 months! wow where does time go ..

Saade family got here yesterday and we hang out, I met this kid Lance, he's interesting. thats all im gonna say

happenings!

Convention starts tomorrow!! Im almost ready, also tomorrow my bf gets home! he says theres lots to be said, Ive miss him crazy but Im not obsessed so that's good. Obsession is wrong when it happens, Im glad im not so obssess in relationships, or at least that what I think.

Im a very bff girl.. I have god knows how man bffs and they're all very special to me, for many reasons, each one of them has something very important and unique that have delivered to me and made part of my now personality.
Lily - She knows me like no one else, All i know about friendships I know because of her, I learn to cultivate and give in a friendship, she's been with me for 14 years.. i love her to death.
Lizy- Met her in highschool, gave me huge confidence and help me to acept myself in a way of saying what i think and believe and was always that blue pill I was in need of for my self steam to grow, Independent and Strong, she became my confident and I became hers. The fact that I was able to keep secrets, listen and keep on with stories was facinating for me. Plus I learned to value my gift on speaking english and take it as part of me, she helped me a lot to learn how to speak it and not being afraid to do it. I wouldnt think of what people thought, but for once in what I believed, my english is awesome and I have no problem letting people know how awesome my english makes me as a person. Made me believe in my achivments.

Ali - The foreing friend, that friend u met online and become best friends with, I happen to appear to her in a time of distress in her life and me, I was "changing" ... I was looking fowards to transform myself when she arrived in a not very healthy way. I wasnt looking fowards to make friends at the time, but it happen.. she stayed at my house for 15 days, saw her transformation infront of me from blues to rainbows and we just bond. click!, just like that. She helped me realized of how blessed I was in where I lived, made me appreciate all I had and open the door for me to feel comfortable with people with compleatly different backgrounds, I became quite emphatic and I used to take the role of mom sometimes, which was funny, really hearing myself and self observing myself watching over this girl was hilarious, but most of the times we were just friends, really good friends, we knew how to have fun and evry day was especial in its very unique way =).. After she left we kept in touch, we have our differences but it's been 4 years and we are planning on living together. Means a lot she trusts me enough to put herself in the situation of living with me, she has no clue. lol .Her sense of humor, culture and the situations we've been trhu had helped me to understand people in different situations, be able to know til' what extent I am able to help people and be adaptable. It has been a great experience but most of all.. a very close relationship with a best friend. She delivered so much to my personality that people started telling me I was different, that I had changed.. apprntly I did, was Ali a part of it? theres a strong possibility she was, or is.

Kiria- This girl is the best bud. My confidence on her build in very slowly. He would hangout more with my sis, I was isolated, she was always there but never really took her into account til recently. I notice both of us share same points of view with my "sick" part and I needed someone to share this with and that would understand my pain, and she did. We share very dirty secrets as well, but Id understand her and she would understand me. And I felt free.. She is also the kind of party girl you would take to a "forbitten" place and ure sure she wont say anything about it .. You gotta love her. Only problem is when we get distanced we can loose our touch :(.. ps. I miss her.

Brenda.- This is my bff and mom friend, the girl that really cares about you and wants the best for you, she's always worried and knows when something is wrong, I loved her ever since I saw her smile from across the street, I also noticed we had tons of stuff in commun, she was also the first girl I met with anorexia, she was always in trouble of some sort but because of time we couldnt got time to talk for once... but evry chat we had would be loaded of heavy subjects and would let us wanting more as usual.. She moved away and I really miss her now, we barely keep in touch, I dont want to seem like a stalker, but I love her and miss her a lot and still think on what is she doing and if she remmembers me.

Aleyda- From University, this girl is fun to be with, clumsy and interesting, very perfectionist at the same time, creative, I freaking love her. She is only a friend from school, but I dfntly consider her a bff cause I care for her and I know she cares for me as well.  I wish she was a witness.

my pet & unrelated subject

Aaaand.. this is SOUKY :).. my lovely poodle babe, she's 14 doggy years (2 years) .. today we (gma&me) got her a oh-so-cuute yellow&orange dress since she cant put it together with the cold in the morning, now she's all cozy and comfy in her lovely new coat. that spoiled beast.

... on a unrelated subject.. do i really want this? :

:(

It's not me, is the menu

Im suppouse to be under a meal plan, ever since they/I noticed something was wrong with my eating habits like in the very beggining, we're talking about 5 years ago I should've done that, and I tried I swearies I did, but it was just too hard, still is, sometimes. I dunno what to do about most of my eating, I mean.. today for instance.. didnt do my morning walk and I was provoquing myself not to have breakfast because of that, a lil "compensatory behavior" or w.evs, I force myself to cook an egg, and had a coffee with one of those killing mexican sweet breads.. ugh, with a tiny lil spot of pineapple jam in the very top .. they're such a delicacy.. hate them mucho.

But the fact I had a lil' too many carbs for breakfast was killing me, so I didnt have lunch, smart not.. so far.. thats all thats in my stomach and due to my historial, I dont think is good this to happens to me very often.. but i just cant keep a record of a single day when i can say I did extreamly good eating all groups of food and stuff is always a lil too much of this, and a lil too nothing of that

Im planning on do something to have good meals evryday.. Im not very excited about it because it means I will be counting calories, carbs, fats and stuff.. and I seriously enjoy not payinn to much attention to food since when I do is when the obsession begins, and fears and all that stuff that wont allow me have a normal life.. or attempting to have one.

So far all I know is I really need to get a job, start a life or something, even my dad told me I should start looking now.. no pressure. But really I think I should, I mean.. Im 20, no job, career or anything similar to a real future ahead.  Im just lame. I even think I should be gettin a job that hurts.. just to pay off.


Getting a job right now is not a problem, is the holidays, people is really busy and theres always lots to do, but my job will only be temporary, so thats good.. I really want to take the english lessons seriously tho. ugh. Is it my time? I dont want to grow up :(

all over the place

It's been a loong weekend.. my bf is out of town and me misses him crazy, I'm truly happy for him tho, I know he's learning lots where he is and even tho I can’t be there and share that moment with him, I’m glad he is and he's bringing me a copy of w.e. they published :) hah.. I’m so excited about having my Spanish convention ** I've waited so long for it to be here, and is just 3 days from now!! woohooo.. I still have to get me some clothes to be ready =) can’t wait!! ..

In another unrelated subject I had the chance to go out last nite and join my sister and friends sing out loud in a random neighborhood eating tacos sitting on the sidewalk... -fun fun!!- yet I decided to exercise my fingers with the TV remote instead; watched a documentary on who was Jesus the Christ from discovery channel very interesting and juicy stuff.. The last episode of Mexico Next Top Model, again, and a quarter of DHW, intense as it was, I could've had more fun with the guys - buu me - I got intimidated by a lil’ chat they had when they came home to use the restroom.. It was something like this:

- Ugh! I’m going running tomorrow!! I’m soo fat (super skinny 16 year old girl talking), I weight myself and I wanted to cry!
*Tania’s eyes rolled*
- How much you weigh?
- 56 kgs ((ARE YOU SERIOUS?))
- Oh, You weigh less than me, I’m 58kgs
- Yea, but you are taller than me, which chances things
- Look at this *shows toned legs* Fat!
*Tania’s head hurts 'n wants to shut them up in a not-very-nice-definitely-not-loving-manner*
- I need exercise
- I need to stop eating
*Tania runs out of the room -thinks; I’m not standing this- I know what happens after that, after expressing the "needies" to lose weight follow the "anorexia, bulimia jokes" and that is lame to hear, no one has a minimal idea, it really upsets me and found it quite triggering sometimes*

They left and I ran to the store to get me chocolate cookies, shame on me... I wanted to feel lame I guess, for weighting more than this two girls who shout out their weight just like that hmm... so I did felt lame, But I mean I can’t avoid these lil’ chats, people have them and I can’t always just run away from the situations or act like a psycho and shut them up I need to stay calm and let them pass, and don’t let me affect me, I’m not ready for that yet, I know now, something I gotta work on. Anyway, then I watched some more movie parts, Lindsay Lohan was in one of them; Freaky Friday. If it wasn’t because I have a boyfriend I swear people would think I have lesbian tendencies, I tend to stare at her, badly, Lindsay was, back in the day, my major "ideal" cause she wasn't a stick, She was a real girl, with flesh, body and all, now she's all bones and aids but that’s her issue right. Anyway, why should we make another person our ideal? Wrong. I used to take famous girls like her as my ideals, those who weren’t perfect and admitted having mistakes, yet looked unique, those human and not fairy tale characters because I’ve never believed in happily ever afters, I've always looked for an ideal I guess.. ugh.. Let’s not get philosophical in this post now…

oh in other news.. There’s a RAT in my house, a RAT, I’m talking about a 30 cm long ball of fur beastie! I was watching random movies and sico adds when the ewwies monster happen to appear next to the refrigerator in the kitchen, in a nut shell I looked away for a bit and it wasn’t there anymore.. I ran to my room check on the doors, closed my door, the bathrooms and my parents, that thing kept me hallucinating all night but at least it took off my mind of other things, it wasn’t that ugly, it got a gray-brown fur color and I can promise you she looked at me and winked while licking its rear end (pukies) ... Asco mucho!. Not a very nice image to go to bed with.

On Saturday nothing spectacular happened. I happen to hate shopping for clothes, most times and that’s what it was all about Saturday. I’m a girl, I love looking at clothes but I can’t help seeing super skinny models wearing them in my head and me on them looking like a fat-arse tamale. The only idea of trying on clothes sometimes makes me feel suffocated, frustrated, sad, quite scared and angry (childhood memories). I don’t hate all mirrors… the one in my room and I have a love-hate relationship, but those in clothing stores and fitting rooms, ugh witches. Hate them all, but I guess sometimes it depends on how my week is going in the "eating" department; this subject I believe deserves a post on its own. I should go now and look for that shirt and skirt I need for the convention, once I’m over that I'll get peace or something I suppose.

-luuurv you... hmm you

who doesnt love twilight..

Stolen cartoon from a fellow worker on the bloggin world..  thanks for making life more interesting and easy.. copy-paste. =)  *claps* blogxygen she is awesome! C=