got the thumbs up

On my last appointment with my therapist and psycologist.. i got both to keep their thumbs up for me! yay

My Pshycatrist first, said
-My hair was growing so thats good,
- I was dressin more female and that
- He noticed I had a good humor
- Figured I was more relaxed than times before.
- Congratulate me on my job

He change my dosis of meds and order me another Brain Map to figure if I should start quiting the pills or see how was my brainie working with the depression and stuff and said something really wise about my choise on what I want to do with my life.. I said to him I was frustrated cause what I had been working on, my career seems to have been put on hold, that I dont know if i want to go back, that ... Im afraid of failure again. Dunno if im good at teaching anymore, We talked about me being confused about this whole thing.

He said, that being good at something, like 'english' or languages or maybe even 'teaching' doesnt mean I have to be a teacher. I can do many things with my skills. All I have to do is to really apply for stuff.
As homework, he asked me to look up in universities here .. take a look at careers, possible likes.. and evaluate my situation right now. Would you like to study? YES! .. now I have to look up for universities.. apparently having too much free time harms me a lot more.

Now.. My psycologist, she gave me the thumps up too, mainly...
- Congratulated me on my job
- On being stable
- On improving relationship with the family
- On being less anxious and more relaxed thru out the session (my legs are usually in constant movement)
- On being motivated trying to look up for stuff to do and keep myself busy

It was really nice, like a bliss!.. but still we adress a couple of things that are bothering me, every morning.. I wake up to the same thinking.. "I ate too much last night, im getting fat, im a failure, do not eat, do not eat..." is like I have woken up but the nightmare is still goin on! However Ive been able to go to the kitchen and have a real breakfast.. I keep on eating cap thruout the day... but at least im not goin back to my old me.. still... It's really bothering me and the voices get louder and more demanding ya know. I dont know how long I can take it. D (my psycologist) adviced me on givin a read and understand a couple of pages she gave me on inner and outter changes that needs to be done by an adict to fully recovered. I am an adict. And truth is, Im afraid to changes... but I know I gotta face them. She also reminded me that this is a new life Im living, the recovery road and I should start living it by now.

so yeah. Homework was reading and the exact same thing my psycatrist O said... looking for carrers, what motivates me, there is no rush. and thats true. According to this test i did yesterday I got the profile of a vetarinary, public relationships manager and principal of some sort, I liked it, It sounds promising. haha. We'll see.

-

i cant help but listen

gosh time goes by

HAIRCUT!

...again...

Besides haircut .. work and so on.. Ive been thru a couple of things..

Right now im torn.. I want to go to the english hall.. serve there.. but man Ive been so torn lately.

I got this job, ever since i got out of the clinic k,  4 hour shift, the easiest job on earth, perfect schedual.. not in my career side, but hey i still make money right. I was all about goin to preach afternoons and so on but I mean, as soon as I get home i crash into bed like Im so tired.. and im not. i swear im not even that tired.

I believe is the pills.. Is killin me. Makes me feel like im lazy, im eating way too much and Im just not liking the feelin. I hate it. 

Last month I've found myself looking for another part time job.. Ive bought a couple more things than i can afford and I know I need more money.. but Im scared of feeling.. ya know, stressed, cause when im stressed, Im just not myself.

And I start thinking, man.. Am I even capable, where is my limit, where sdo i wann ago, where do i want to stop?.. do i want to stop?..

How much is far enough. I wish.. so many things. I wish I didnt feel, I wasnt feeling dissapointed by myself, I didnt get my family dissapointed at me.. It breaks me, It hurts.

there are times when I dont feel part of the world as it is.. sometimes i feel.. like Im here, but Im not, like ive long gone, that I can make my own world part of this world too.. but I dont .. it cant. Im afraid... I will end up talking out loud, I confuse my worlds and got to lose my mind, look ridiculous.. Im scared.

The girl in the mirror will come out of it, take over me and I won be able to stop her, ... anymore.

down

I cant stand myself.
Is not one of those, I cant see my reflection in the mirrors, I just chose not to, what bothers me the most is that sofocating, hurtful feeling of discomfort of my flesh being tighten to my mezclilla jeans, my hips split in two giant wheels of fat.. like lifesavers. pounding flesh, wavy arms... total disaster. that's me. The perception of myself is horrible right now.

I need a diet now.. Ive been thinking a lot about having those pills, anfetamines.. but thats a relapse just by taking them, again.. I need to find a better way out, a more effective one. But all I can think of is restrict-tania-restrict... Eating causes me guilt, cause well.. I know what I'm eating is no good and I know it will make me fat, I still eat it tho, as a way of sayiing, I dont care. But I gotta understand I care, I will always care about it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The illiness is there, I cant help it.

Eating has become also my way of punishment, I eat so I dont feel... never been so clear. And even tho I was released from the clinic with Anorexia, my fear to food is off the table .. Now I cant stop.. and that is what frightens me the most. I cant handle me, I cant handle the guilt. It inmediatly makes me feel like I need to do something, what comes to mind tho are not very conveniant answers such as: cut, isolate, keep it to yourself.  I hate this stupid diciese!! All I want is to get over and done with it.

The pills give me that satisfaction, They make me lose the apetite, which means I no longet suffer in thinking what should I eat,  feel tempted to eat crap like I do... pills are like heaven. but, Ill be hurting myself even more... fucking cycle. I hate this.