mirror inquiri

after that psicotic episode at the clinic in front that mirror, i've been questioning myself If  have I ever really seen myself as I am for real in a mirror.. or a refleccion of any sort. who to trust? If I cant even trust my eyes... This gave me lots of insecurities. Everytime I have to look at the mirror, I dont know what Ill see.. me?, her?.. who?
Then, when she starts talking.. and I get scared, she takes over me and I just watch.. I cant move. She's taking control over me and my actions, I dunno what she'll make my body to do next. I dont want to be her.

crazy enough for you?

=*

stepback.. :(

After a "cough cough" hard day at work.. I collapse, kinda like that.

Yesterday was rather intense.. I figured it would be since my sesh with my therapist the night before was it also. I had a long convo about emotional happenings, trying to figure out why was I so anxious and why it seemed like everything was so perfect, cause apparently, like learned already nothing is perfect, when things are going so smoothly you can make sure theres something evil hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting to be bother with the minimal amount of stress or emotional distress and ya know, Boom!! 

She noticed I was hiding something, and ya.. I totally kinda "forgot" to mention a couple of things, like.. a) im having pills I shouldnt be having, I felt I needed them to control my anxiaty, problem is; they also disminish my apetite, and well... ya I've lost a couple of pounds within this week.. =/ .. about 5 pounds in less than week can't be good.. also obviously b) I weight myself, and I know I shouldn't have, I got obsessed over it again, it's costing me a lot to eat again, but im trying, Im litteraly draging my body to the kitchen to eat, is really hard right now. Im having an official stepback.

We also talked about the possibility of goin to the clinic again for a week, I dont want to cause I got a job, a life kinda happening and I cant be hiding from it all.. She agreed with me, I dont need contention right now. I need to deal with my problems now, and Is hard. Just trying to figure out what my problem is, is hard... is way too easy to hide evrything behind the mirror, the scale or the food.

I figure tho, some stuff that might be moving me emotionly could be...  my exboyfriend comming to get me at my work almost daily.. I cant have a relationship, just because Im not ready.. I cant deal with emotions like that .. Im so afraid of being rejected or on the other hand engage in some sort of way. I just can't take a desicion like that right now, also my bff in town depends on me most of the time and I worry too much, and I cant think of anything else. =/  I quit eating to be with her or help her somehow, but I really need stability, and is not her problem, is mine.. I shouldnt be like this.

Also, Im not sure if Im goin back to school, Im kinda procrastinating that as well.  I need to work this out one by one.

I still dont have a plan, depending on how I feel tomorrow Ill join the gym with a friend =) .. Im quite excited about it. GYM!.. Im hoping that makes me feel hungry but not anxious and I could eat better then. I might have to quit those pills.. I need to go with my drug dispenser (aka: psycatrist) in order to know what to do now. ---

ugh.. so University.. I went to this university to give my testimony, talk about my history with anorexia and bulimia and treatment to a bunch of girls and guys studying nutrition, I hate dieticians, but they're my saviors.. I told them they should be firm but cautios with the way they treat us... because of how we mix emotions and food, and the role control have at least in me. . . Also did mention my perfect dietician would be the one that has a comunication with my therapist, and knows my condition and detonators and stuff.. also kind, but firm.. wouldnt that be great. -- I do have a story about my dietician but I will be telling you later .. is time to go to bed. ^^ I truly enjoyed the testimony thing and the class.. people were stunning thinking and asking questions about ya know evrything, I felt alright. It felt good, Im happy I could give the message to others, I dfntly want to keep on doing this kinda thing. :)

I better go.. :) au revoir!

weird cloudy day

Well.. its been quite a while.. over a month I've been out of the clinic... And is not easy.. at all.
I know.. I knoow

i kinda am having problems eating... getting myself to eat is hard.. it was at first cause i would eat more than i should ... then.. under medication.. that i shouldnt have had... i cant even get close to food.. is disgusting. w.w

I cant eat now.. not like i normally would do..if u call that 'normal'.
uh.. im trying now, it sure is a struggle.

im glad at least i have smthing to do.. work.. oooh
i saw my psycologist today.. she invited me over to her class to give a speech about my disorder. It will help me a lot.. cause Ill be able to talk about it.. in public.. but im also really nervous... w.w
these people are my age.. who knows.. what if someone from there was sometime in one of my clases!

being paranoid.. just a bit. w.w
tomorrow will be interesting

@ work..

i just thought of uploading another pic.. i have lots to talk about.. I will post in a couple of hours.. my plan is to escape to a cafe to write down some stuff, blog and be alone for a bit.. after that Im goin with my bff lilian to see a play .. yay!..

yup.. not feeling likely to go home at all. beah

I got paid ysterday!.. my expenses so far have been right. but if i continue with this pace im gonna run out of money in less than a week.

luv!

my bff 'n me @ work

what is my job like..

Heei ya!

 Im at work! yaay.. allow me toshow u what is all about to work in a decoration store... :)

- I sell you things... pretty things... like.. dat ( hint: my eyes) . It makes your kitchen, bathroom, living room, house prettier for sure. It also makes me rich so ... is a win-win situation kinda thing.

- I make the store look prettier by cleaning up furniture and accesories... I dont mind it since im a Dust Nazi. =)

THEN..

- I wait.. for you to come and ask me something!.. and even if u dont ask me.. I will be telling you cause.. cause.. i know about selling -bwaha- ... in the midtime.. i just wait.. and.. wait...

and WAIT... this can be reely tiring.. and boring if i dont have my laptop with me or anything else to do. although it almost never happens cause I always find a way to entretain myself, one way or another. like I said... theres always some dust that needs to be aniquilated. -witty smile-

thats my job :)... peace OUT.. im gonna be out pretty soon now.. I wants pizza!

first day at work pt2

Day One!
It was quite entretaining, I cant wait for my first selling thing.. haha.. although im happy just cleaning up, is awesome actually cause since Im very obsessive over stuff... including cleaning the dust and stuff like that, moping floors... i like things being clean so that is no probem for me at all. Im loving it!

Minutes after I was off from work, My exboyfriend appear... he got me this:

Hershy's kisses... man.. i was so hungry. Bad Idea.

He also gave me a ride home and we talked on the way... He looked really good actually, and god ive been wanting to kiss someone lately.. ahaha.. lame. anywaay, he also gave me a lil souvenir he brought me from when he went out of town, so cutee!.. But no tania focus!! Recovery now! ugh..

time to go to bed.. work tomorrow :)

about the kisses.. i did have them all in one sitting.. how i feel?.. like shit i didnt miss my dinner tho, I was gonna feel even more guilty if i did.. but tomorrow im working trying foods that are healthier and less grasy and stuff.. I mean, I know ive gain weight, no I havent weight myself, i fear the scale a lot still.. so yup.. I need to lose w.e. ive gain, til i feel fine again ill weight myself.. i know for sure smthing is wrong just bc my period totally messes up when im not eating correctly and i havent had it in a while again, even tho im eating... w.e. I need healthy good stuff now.. and lose gained weight.. Im still terrified about becoming fat and my body image days arent the best.. AT ALL.. suck-ie!

Itll be a better day tomorrow! :)

first day at work pt. 1

yup yup!

tania is up for a job right now!

My outfit is dftnly anything but what it looked on my interview... but since a) Im getting a uniform and b) Is an art enviorament.. it might just not be that big of a deal.. i almost look great hey! hehe

Is an interir design store ill be woking in, my boss is lovely and I will be working with my BFF so that makes it even more easy and pleaseful :) .. man.. I cant wait.. I gotta go now.

ttyl pals!

looove ya

meow-ie!

Wanda was my first kitten.. She found me one night she was just standing at my door.. a night of a hurrican Lane hitting Mazatlan, there was no way I was going to let that lil white ball of fur alone in the rain.. I hide her in my room and my parents didnt realized til the next day. It was quite a surprice for everyone. I was allowed to keep her for at least 2 months. then I had to give her away.  My sister hates cats =(.

-----

Just yesterday... I adquired a new kitten Im very proud of.. her name is Katrina..she's a Russian Blue kitten, only that i cant have it at home cause they'll kill me, so right now its at a friends house .. and it looks exactly like this: (but cuter) 

So far.. Ive realized is a cat with attitude, she's got a very unique meowing and likes dark cuddling places, she enjoys being alone as much as she loves exploring, eating lottos and owning the house.. she's a doll!.. I fall in love wit her the second I saw her.. :) And I adopted her .. yay! she's the greatest kitten ever.

My bff got a cat too.. it's a gray tippey cat.. is really cute!! very playful, curious and attention whore... only that he doesnt have a name yet. Will soon.. im sure. Im gonna go check on my kitty tonight and probbly spend the night there. Not so sure, but hopefully right. Yay.. so.. this might be a pic of our kittens in a coup of years.

 

HOW CUTEEE!

ps. I promise to update pics of my actual kitten asap :)