hah.. found this online.. is suppouse to be funny.. i found it amusing! that is the sign of the half-way house I went inpatient in.. Ill show you:

there ya go! .. similar much! lol

Anyway it brought back memories of the time I spend at the clinic, it was only 45 days, but You bet I can remember most of it.. Let me give u a tour throu out my 2nd home.. this pictures are from the site http://www.casamispah.com/

the entrance.. u can see the front door on the back.

Id clean that area occacionally, was one of my faves, I was able to get into the bushes and pick up leaves, look at weird looking bugs, do sittings without they realizing haha, and explote my OCD picking up all leaves lol.. that fountains water is always cold.

This is in the back of the house, whenever I smoked, Id do it here after dinner, sometimes. Cleaning here was also fun and OCD.. the kitchen is right there and you could take a look to what was goin on, what was on tables and try to guess what they would do for breakfast, lunch or dinner lol, didnt spend much time here tho.. but it was nice for when I needed to talk to a therapist, I would just drag him-her here and sesh about whatever was bothering me... It only happened once, Ive always been private about my stuff.

the patio!.. haha we had a ´carne asada´there once, but is usually used for outdoor therapy, group therapy, hence the big rounded table and chairs, those chairs were heavy at first, not so much later on when i got stronger haha.. next are two bathrooms, for girls and boys.. even when I was out I had to count, whisle or sing while peein ... umcomfortable as hell.. but that was only after meals. Sometimes at night after dinner we would go there to digest, talk and stuff with another people.. smoke, I had some intense convos with peers there, then EDA would gather there too on tuesdays and thrusdays. my fav. part was right in front of that..

the pool! I was only able to go in weekends cause weekdays i was busy doin homework or from therapy to therapy.. I had good swims there, most of the time I dig in alone.. no one would join me and that kinda made me sad. But after a couple of laps I was good. also there are tannin beds on the left, and i got an awesome tan from it.. yup.. weekends were legit. saturday you still have a therapy or two and AA.. but sunday, nothing the entire day is for you.. I felt really grateful for days off. I would get that time to organize my closet, give me a nice spa session, pemper myself, laundry and meditation.

Now, last but not least...

THE room!.. there were 5 beds!, but only two were in used, mine and my roomate.. no girls but us. When I first got in all 5 were occupied, slowly two left, then one.. and me and my roomate stayed together til last week when another girl join in, but we had to leave her alone cause we both had to go. It was nice ya know, having someone to share this with, my roomate P, wont say name and I get there the same day, only she left a day earlier, but still.. really made me feel not alone.

:)

If I find pics of the rest of the house ill post them later. not the kitchen, we werent allow to go in unless we had permission or certain level of soberty. 45 days. I learnt a lot.. and Im truly happy and grateful for knowing what I know now. and making the changes Ive done. All I got left from this house are memories, cook sweet memories, I will cherrish forever!

Reality Check

that's right.. i weigh myself this morning, after the jog...

I knew I had gained weight with all my binging on junk Ive been doing to myself lately, I was shaking when I step on the scale I just knew that like it always happens, this was again, a milestone.. this moment was huge, it was a reality check I had to take in order to make changes, and I thought of weighing myself again in another store as if the embarrancement from weighting myself in the street wasnt painful enough, I wanted to do it again, just to make sure.. how lame and OCD is that.. grrr.. anyways.. so I weigh what I thought was my worst case scenario, I've gone fat, big time!! and is not my ED talking, Im seriusy in the edge of become Overweight and Im scared like shit about it, wont lie a bit. Im T E R R I F I E D !!!

The moment I saw that number my head started heating up, I was angry, guilty, sad... feeling grumpy and in my head tons of ideas about fasting came across, even cutting... this is why weighting myself is such a huge thing for me, everything can happen either lead me to a 4000 calorie binge or to a 4 day fast. Go EDnos!.. But then I thought; I needed to do this for myself, I wasnt goin to be living a lie, I need facts!, not more lies, Im full of it! Is about time to see things as they are, accept them or do proper (healthy/sane) changes only to.. IMPROVE myself. what am I talking about? where is tania heading?

Hello?.. yeah, thats where Im heading towards! weighloss.. seems like Ive always been in this road, and well yeah I have, my entire life!..  but never actually get there, and if I do, I cant stay long thats because of my ways to getting there, they havent been functioning, instead Ive been screwing me over and over. Its time to break that cycle. I want change, I need to make it, Permanent!. so I will.. I've made mistakes like... you know typical water fast, binge, laxatives, fad diets, diet coke, splenda, coffee, duiretics.. they dont work, they just mess me up more. So Im starting little changes, and Im allowing to be hit by life, as it is, emotions and feelings, people and surroundings. I want to live. Sick of skiping. skiping meals, parties, goin out, moments, laughs, cries, memories, breaths... Im the one who's been fastfowarding my life, and is time to pause if for a sec, click play and actually enjoy it.

How am I gonna achieve weighloss withOUT fallin into my old ED habits?

I'll write, and let god do the work. :) Just like that.

So far, Is been 2 days diet coke free! and splenda free!.. I have been adding good quality and quantity of veggies and actual fruits to my meals and water, lots of it. I've been going for mornng jogs and Im loving it!.. and the fact I didnt inmediatly went overboard after reading THE number is huge.. my friends, that is MASIVE! I was able to hold myself, put myself together and let it go, let it passed. I breath and thought to myself, well.. these extra numbers and fat are going away anyways with my brand new healthy sane lifestyle..Im gonna give myself the time, space.. Im making a difference!

rite!

goin veggan?

yup.. how about giving it a go to veggetables and fruits, cereals, wholegrain and nuts. Why not?

PETA concience, ya... after listening to the first 2 CDs of "Skinny Bitch" I was able to create a mental picture of the horrible things man does to animals, God loves them too!  how polluted are farms, what they feed animals with!!. I like green, Im eating green!

Really good Read!

Aand now I find myself thinking.. would this trigger me into fall into my eating disorder again?

 Hope not!.. But I seriously have learnt that a change requires more than just temporal, sporadical tiny changes here and there.. I need PERMANENT changes.. better choises, better decisions, better actions and in return, pretty damn good results! karma! And Ive known this since forever but like it says on the book; "you want to be skinny? use your brains!!" they have no idea how powerful are these words, or they do. Id never get tired of seeing how amazing it is to see human brain in action. is so complex! is so powerful!!

If I could get anything, anything... that would be being able to control my brain, have self control.. use it at my maximum.. how cool would that be. --- dot dot dot.. and the point was.. Im doing this for my own health. I even gonna quit splenda, diet coke and hear this: coffee! :o!!!.. i know.. no more aspartame for me.. ridiculous, Ive been living on these drugs for the last 10 years! Is gonna be quite a challange, but I know Im doing the right thing. I want to be healthy, not just skinny... I want to be a skinny bitch, kinda. haha I want the control back, but this time in a more sane way yee?
- of course no smoking anymore.. tho I was never a real smoker .. I only smoked for a perioud of what, 3 weeks maybe.. thats it. during the clinic in patient program.. stupid self control, grr.. So ya.. no touching that either. I dont even feel like to. thats no problemo!

No meat, chicken, beef, fish, milk, chesse, eggs?!?! What the H bomb are you goin to eat?!?! ... well..

turns out vegetarians actually have a food pyradm just for them.. check this out:

Some of the foods Im introducing to my meals are: herbal tea, whole grain breads and cereals, water WATER water, fruits, vegetables, raw brown sugar, grains, nuts, beans, soy (oh soy), natural and organic goods. :o wow.. wonder what it´ll be like.. Im feeling really excited about it.

I might have to go slowly, cutting off my coffee, splenda and coke is hard enough, im giving myself a week to ban this mosters off, at the same time include more fruit and veggies to my meals and reduce as much as I can of meats and dairy. yays!

Ill be posting more, need to keep track of this changes.. plus is my way not to trigger myself into my ED, and still enjoy writtng and all about it. lol .. Next post on a totally different-similar subject commin on next.

small chair

Im sorry, I really had to to do this...

sometimes, i feel like that.. but i know Im not, yet still feel my tights floating on air... stupid illiness, I swear If it wasnt because I know I have it, I would be trying to cut my thights off with a knife or something.. u.u

dont mind me today.