peting the monster

GIVE ME A freaking BREAK!. That, I tell to my reflection every day. The stupid mirror is being a MAJOR buttache... my body image days havent been good, at all. Im just all over the place.

Reasons I have plenty, and I can blame it on the air, the contaminated air, the breeze, humid annoying breeze, the most random thing i bump into, but the only one who's fault is it, its moi. I'm the one that cant keep up with the problems I face, the fear and frustration of new situations, or old ones, the negativity.. ugh it's all gray! .. My coping mechanism is just pretty much screwed.

Today I went to school.. Had this forum thing going on, it was pretty good! :) but then.. lunch time! ..

l u n c h   t i m e!!

we went to gran plaza.. i inmediatly knew what id ask for; chicken salads wrap (200kcal) and diet coke. The rest of the crew i was with decided to ask for gross fatty pizza.. ugh cheesy and greasy pizza!

I was served first, Couldnt finished my meal but I was truly stuffed by the time the pizza got in the table... they offered me a slice.. to which i respond to with an im-about-to-throw-up-all-over-your-face look. I didnt meant to, I was going for a Im-stuffed look, as simple as that... w.w

Watching them all eating that crap was a ... mmm, i guess delightful experience, hehe .. watching the chunks of greasy cheesse goin into their mouths I was terribly excited about how all those trans fats, satured fats, carbs, oils and so forth werent going down MY belly, but theirs!!.. I didnt had to piuk or burn them or even worry about those calories accumulating, man.. it was almost refreshing!!  I almost burst into laughter and tears of joy for no reason, it was somehow very VERY pleasent.. almost orgasmic =)

k, k enough.. u get the point.

* I know what kind of food I should be eating in order not to be caught up into my disordered eating habits, and healthy and fullfilling food is a very good choise for that not to happen.. plus.. dont u just hate throwing up lettuce..  yikes *

Hands on the mirror, can't get much clearer

Can't make this all go away

Now that you're bleeding you stare at the ceiling

Watch as it all fades away

Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness

Doctor could you be my priest

You say you're mistaken, but look what you've taken

You laugh as you lie through your teeth

a blast from the past

I had my last "big" relapse tracked in my last blog.. I thought of posting it here. just a reminder of old self-observation patterns... w.w
I need to pet the beast.

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11.8.09

danger ahead?


Long story short.. I'm on a diet.
I dunno where did I took the courage to do an actual diet, to stand in front of my dietician ... ugh just so nervraking . I wanna think I can do this, but Its been only 24 hours of dieting and I already throw up a no-no in my diet that I shouldnt have eaten, reduced portions of  my meals and had obsessive thoughts about dieting and fatting up with every gram that comes into my mouth, again =/ .. Ive suggested myself to do more efford than this diet requires, to which I shook my head as soon as I realize I'm wrong. What if tho.. What if theres a point where I cant recognize im wrong anymore..

I start working tomorrow. I better go!.. Im thinking in skipping but I just cant do that or else Ill be skipping things again. Skipping life no more.

In short; my bulimia seems to be back. Is not a big deal tho, I dont think it is.

I'm having pills of fiber bubbles to make me feel stuffed before actually eating, plus a 1100 kcal diet and fat burn injections.. Yesterday I got 18 shots!! In my hips and waist. Im not gonna lie. I am scared.

========================
16.8.09

danger Im in...


As usual.. I broke the diet the 3rd day, u got money in my hands you got me goin to evry single restaurant in town spending the whole amount in stuff i dont need to eat and throwing them in the toilet, litteraly.. w.w .. pretty sad.
Ive been giving it lots of thought but I think I really need this this time..

Im getting sibutramina tomorrow.. I need to lose weight so bad.. especially since failing to my dietician diet :(.. Im suppouse to see her at 7 tomorrow .. I dont know ill have the courage to do so.
The pills will make me feel better, Im sure.

Also tomorrow Im going to the beach with my guy =3 .. im soo happy!..
despite it all ^^

TYPED OUT BY THANIA @ 9:09 PM

group therapy

Over a year without group therapy.. Is .. Interesting.

off to reality land

mission accomplished!!
no ED behaviors durin the trip, I cant help feeling like a massive pig for eating all that crap i ate tho, I better start working out as soon as I hit home.
My fam and me are heading back home in a couple of hours maybe, in midtime I've been doing some cafe word and farmville madness.. FB is driving me OCB i swearies.

The mini trip and vacations are over, u.u

I had a blast here, I always do, is so calm and clean.. Yesterday we went to this park I love and walk and walk. Went thru old town walk down its roads sing out laud songs with no purpose in the empty streets. =)

Monday we went to guadalajara and it was awesome too, didnt got to purchace anything worthy but a lil crystal rock in heart shape. We also walked around galerias, this mall.. Id love to live in a big city just for the fun of it, for at least a couple of years, there is so much to do, a day is not enough.

My year starts once I get home.. Im not confortable with myself, and I know I will never be, but I really need to try. I joined sparkpeople newslater and membership and I will try to log in there as much as possible, track down my food and workout, blog out there.. is a really good motivator to keep it healthy.

g2g.. we're heading home!

new year.. new.. smthing

happy 2010!!!.. (and 3 days ^^')

yaay.. here's how my new years eve went
After a looong and exahusting "discussion/fight" with my parents with me trying to convince them the fact that I was sleeping over at a friends house where my boyfriend would be staying at as well that same night wont be bringing a new member to the family 9 months later.. which i totally did convice them about :) (proud of myself) I'm still quite surprised my dad actually agreed even when all the family was giving their negative opinions and picturing me and misael doing the forbithen, where is the trust?!, anyway.. i took the first yes and got ready =) my dad and uncle took us (me and lance) to the house/mansion at the hill :)

I spent the night with a couple of families in my hall watch a movie and a homevideo, then hang out with the girlies til 4 am, playing "kill, kiss and marry" game which was overheard by the guys 'sleeping' in the next level. Some girls got in trouble, I dunno how much Im in trouble cause I left mazatlan and my boyfriend a day after .. We also talked about our crushes and stuff my boyfriend doesn't need to listen to, like my 4 year obsession/crush/worship with a terrible guy he knows and doesnt like already. Or that within 20 years of living tania, I've got more than 10 different crushes or my most embarracing moments in a bar trying to flirt with a waiter I thought I was familiar with but really wasnt.. at all. In short.. Im a slut.

Me and melissa got a room for ourselves with the view of mazatlans ocean in front of us, got awake by the massive belga shephard my friends own.. he started licking my face welcoming me to 2010 morning.. way to go!. the guys had gone surfing on the beach a block away from the hill so we took advantage of that and made level two own too =) For breakfast we made creps with potatoe and meted chesse and with strawberry jam, nutella & whipped cream, there were lots of chips and cookies and chocolate brownies, this family loooves to bake fat  .. I know. That was a horrible thing to experience, I was able to eat and try not to worry too much, I manage not to purge but the guilt and regret follow and is still there, Im just trying not to accumulate stuff on me.

Right now Im on vacation and I will enjoy it. Im in Tepic, this lil town 3 hours away from Mazatlan, and I freeking loovee it. the smell, the narrow dusty rocky streets ^^ .. It just bring out so many happy moments of my childhood, It keeps me smiling all the time, Is calm and relaxing, surraounded by hills and mountains everywhere .. it makes it feel safe.

Anyway.. plan is we will be heading to guadalajara for a day =) shop a lil.. nose bleeding caue it just aways happens lol and do turist stuff, like shoplifting in the supermarket and taking stupid pictures with no purpose woohoo!

 g2g eat smthing now.. au revoir kidos

Im thinking I left ED behind me.