26.12.09

convention day 1

Todays convention was intense :)
During the first part there were talks about how close we are to the end, and in the second part we consider the family, what to do to keep us alert. They released a DVD about gods creations and a Song book we're not getting 'til April. The songs sounded nice, It felt really great. I sense the love of jehovah by giving us all this information to digest. Im really happy about it.

Got awesome notes too =) yay!

Today also.. my boyfriend was suppouse to be in town, and im not sure if he is.. :( I dont know anything about him. He just sent me an email saying he's not in town.. i noticed that already.. anywaay
He seems to be learning lots, with proyects and goals in mind.. his trip might had been an awesome motivator for him and Im really really happy about it. I cant wait to hear what he has to say .. I miss him and I never thought I would really feel this way with a guy. seems like im giving in, after all we've been together for 5 months! wow where does time go ..

Saade family got here yesterday and we hang out, I met this kid Lance, he's interesting. thats all im gonna say

24.12.09

happenings!

Convention starts tomorrow!! Im almost ready, also tomorrow my bf gets home! he says theres lots to be said, Ive miss him crazy but Im not obsessed so that's good. Obsession is wrong when it happens, Im glad im not so obssess in relationships, or at least that what I think.


Im a very bff girl.. I have god knows how man bffs and they're all very special to me, for many reasons, each one of them has something very important and unique that have delivered to me and made part of my now personality.
Lily - She knows me like no one else, All i know about friendships I know because of her, I learn to cultivate and give in a friendship, she's been with me for 14 years.. i love her to death.
Lizy- Met her in highschool, gave me huge confidence and help me to acept myself in a way of saying what i think and believe and was always that blue pill I was in need of for my self steam to grow, Independent and Strong, she became my confident and I became hers. The fact that I was able to keep secrets, listen and keep on with stories was facinating for me. Plus I learned to value my gift on speaking english and take it as part of me, she helped me a lot to learn how to speak it and not being afraid to do it. I wouldnt think of what people thought, but for once in what I believed, my english is awesome and I have no problem letting people know how awesome my english makes me as a person. Made me believe in my achivments.

Ali - The foreing friend, that friend u met online and become best friends with, I happen to appear to her in a time of distress in her life and me, I was "changing" ... I was looking fowards to transform myself when she arrived in a not very healthy way. I wasnt looking fowards to make friends at the time, but it happen.. she stayed at my house for 15 days, saw her transformation infront of me from blues to rainbows and we just bond. click!, just like that. She helped me realized of how blessed I was in where I lived, made me appreciate all I had and open the door for me to feel comfortable with people with compleatly different backgrounds, I became quite emphatic and I used to take the role of mom sometimes, which was funny, really hearing myself and self observing myself watching over this girl was hilarious, but most of the times we were just friends, really good friends, we knew how to have fun and evry day was especial in its very unique way =).. After she left we kept in touch, we have our differences but it's been 4 years and we are planning on living together. Means a lot she trusts me enough to put herself in the situation of living with me, she has no clue. lol .Her sense of humor, culture and the situations we've been trhu had helped me to understand people in different situations, be able to know til' what extent I am able to help people and be adaptable. It has been a great experience but most of all.. a very close relationship with a best friend. She delivered so much to my personality that people started telling me I was different, that I had changed.. apprntly I did, was Ali a part of it? theres a strong possibility she was, or is.

Kiria- This girl is the best bud. My confidence on her build in very slowly. He would hangout more with my sis, I was isolated, she was always there but never really took her into account til recently. I notice both of us share same points of view with my "sick" part and I needed someone to share this with and that would understand my pain, and she did. We share very dirty secrets as well, but Id understand her and she would understand me. And I felt free.. She is also the kind of party girl you would take to a "forbitten" place and ure sure she wont say anything about it .. You gotta love her. Only problem is when we get distanced we can loose our touch :(.. ps. I miss her.

Brenda.- This is my bff and mom friend, the girl that really cares about you and wants the best for you, she's always worried and knows when something is wrong, I loved her ever since I saw her smile from across the street, I also noticed we had tons of stuff in commun, she was also the first girl I met with anorexia, she was always in trouble of some sort but because of time we couldnt got time to talk for once... but evry chat we had would be loaded of heavy subjects and would let us wanting more as usual.. She moved away and I really miss her now, we barely keep in touch, I dont want to seem like a stalker, but I love her and miss her a lot and still think on what is she doing and if she remmembers me.

Aleyda- From University, this girl is fun to be with, clumsy and interesting, very perfectionist at the same time, creative, I freaking love her. She is only a friend from school, but I dfntly consider her a bff cause I care for her and I know she cares for me as well.  I wish she was a witness.

my pet & unrelated subject



Aaaand.. this is SOUKY :).. my lovely poodle babe, she's 14 doggy years (2 years) .. today we (gma&me) got her a oh-so-cuute yellow&orange dress since she cant put it together with the cold in the morning, now she's all cozy and comfy in her lovely new coat. that spoiled beast.



... on a unrelated subject.. do i really want this? :



:(

23.12.09

It's not me, is the menu



Im suppouse to be under a meal plan, ever since they/I noticed something was wrong with my eating habits like in the very beggining, we're talking about 5 years ago I should've done that, and I tried I swearies I did, but it was just too hard, still is, sometimes. I dunno what to do about most of my eating, I mean.. today for instance.. didnt do my morning walk and I was provoquing myself not to have breakfast because of that, a lil "compensatory behavior" or w.evs, I force myself to cook an egg, and had a coffee with one of those killing mexican sweet breads.. ugh, with a tiny lil spot of pineapple jam in the very top .. they're such a delicacy.. hate them mucho.

But the fact I had a lil' too many carbs for breakfast was killing me, so I didnt have lunch, smart not.. so far.. thats all thats in my stomach and due to my historial, I dont think is good this to happens to me very often.. but i just cant keep a record of a single day when i can say I did extreamly good eating all groups of food and stuff is always a lil too much of this, and a lil too nothing of that

Im planning on do something to have good meals evryday.. Im not very excited about it because it means I will be counting calories, carbs, fats and stuff.. and I seriously enjoy not payinn to much attention to food since when I do is when the obsession begins, and fears and all that stuff that wont allow me have a normal life.. or attempting to have one.

So far all I know is I really need to get a job, start a life or something, even my dad told me I should start looking now.. no pressure. But really I think I should, I mean.. Im 20, no job, career or anything similar to a real future ahead.  Im just lame. I even think I should be gettin a job that hurts.. just to pay off.


Getting a job right now is not a problem, is the holidays, people is really busy and theres always lots to do, but my job will only be temporary, so thats good.. I really want to take the english lessons seriously tho. ugh. Is it my time? I dont want to grow up :(

21.12.09

all over the place

It's been a loong weekend.. my bf is out of town and me misses him crazy, I'm truly happy for him tho, I know he's learning lots where he is and even tho I can’t be there and share that moment with him, I’m glad he is and he's bringing me a copy of w.e. they published :) hah.. I’m so excited about having my Spanish convention ** I've waited so long for it to be here, and is just 3 days from now!! woohooo.. I still have to get me some clothes to be ready =) can’t wait!! ..

In another unrelated subject I had the chance to go out last nite and join my sister and friends sing out loud in a random neighborhood eating tacos sitting on the sidewalk... -fun fun!!- yet I decided to exercise my fingers with the TV remote instead; watched a documentary on who was Jesus the Christ from discovery channel very interesting and juicy stuff.. The last episode of Mexico Next Top Model, again, and a quarter of DHW, intense as it was, I could've had more fun with the guys - buu me - I got intimidated by a lil’ chat they had when they came home to use the restroom.. It was something like this:

- Ugh! I’m going running tomorrow!! I’m soo fat (super skinny 16 year old girl talking), I weight myself and I wanted to cry!
*Tania’s eyes rolled*
- How much you weigh?
- 56 kgs ((ARE YOU SERIOUS?))
- Oh, You weigh less than me, I’m 58kgs
- Yea, but you are taller than me, which chances things
- Look at this *shows toned legs* Fat!
*Tania’s head hurts 'n wants to shut them up in a not-very-nice-definitely-not-loving-manner*
- I need exercise
- I need to stop eating
*Tania runs out of the room -thinks; I’m not standing this- I know what happens after that, after expressing the "needies" to lose weight follow the "anorexia, bulimia jokes" and that is lame to hear, no one has a minimal idea, it really upsets me and found it quite triggering sometimes*

They left and I ran to the store to get me chocolate cookies, shame on me... I wanted to feel lame I guess, for weighting more than this two girls who shout out their weight just like that hmm... so I did felt lame, But I mean I can’t avoid these lil’ chats, people have them and I can’t always just run away from the situations or act like a psycho and shut them up I need to stay calm and let them pass, and don’t let me affect me, I’m not ready for that yet, I know now, something I gotta work on. Anyway, then I watched some more movie parts, Lindsay Lohan was in one of them; Freaky Friday. If it wasn’t because I have a boyfriend I swear people would think I have lesbian tendencies, I tend to stare at her, badly, Lindsay was, back in the day, my major "ideal" cause she wasn't a stick, She was a real girl, with flesh, body and all, now she's all bones and aids but that’s her issue right. Anyway, why should we make another person our ideal? Wrong. I used to take famous girls like her as my ideals, those who weren’t perfect and admitted having mistakes, yet looked unique, those human and not fairy tale characters because I’ve never believed in happily ever afters, I've always looked for an ideal I guess.. ugh.. Let’s not get philosophical in this post now…

oh in other news.. There’s a RAT in my house, a RAT, I’m talking about a 30 cm long ball of fur beastie! I was watching random movies and sico adds when the ewwies monster happen to appear next to the refrigerator in the kitchen, in a nut shell I looked away for a bit and it wasn’t there anymore.. I ran to my room check on the doors, closed my door, the bathrooms and my parents, that thing kept me hallucinating all night but at least it took off my mind of other things, it wasn’t that ugly, it got a gray-brown fur color and I can promise you she looked at me and winked while licking its rear end (pukies) ... Asco mucho!. Not a very nice image to go to bed with.

On Saturday nothing spectacular happened. I happen to hate shopping for clothes, most times and that’s what it was all about Saturday. I’m a girl, I love looking at clothes but I can’t help seeing super skinny models wearing them in my head and me on them looking like a fat-arse tamale. The only idea of trying on clothes sometimes makes me feel suffocated, frustrated, sad, quite scared and angry (childhood memories). I don’t hate all mirrors… the one in my room and I have a love-hate relationship, but those in clothing stores and fitting rooms, ugh witches. Hate them all, but I guess sometimes it depends on how my week is going in the "eating" department; this subject I believe deserves a post on its own. I should go now and look for that shirt and skirt I need for the convention, once I’m over that I'll get peace or something I suppose.

-luuurv you... hmm you

19.12.09

who doesnt love twilight..



Stolen cartoon from a fellow worker on the bloggin world..  thanks for making life more interesting and easy.. copy-paste. =)  *claps* blogxygen she is awesome! C=

18.12.09

a trip to my psychiatrist

As in seeing that doctor you've been avoiding an entire month (or two) to whom you have commited to get better (still confused on what this implies) wasnt hard enough, you had to also take that detonator with you cause she wants to "ask some lil' questions to the doc"... Here's the truth.. Im not a fan of my psycatrist, I basicly just go there to get free medication for my forgotten and dusty depression in the back of my head and some colorful drugs he subscribes me too.. not sure what those ones do to my system, w.e. it is I guess works out, so people says, hence the pressure on taking my pills and not forgetting about them, heh.. i guess I got them a lil scared and worried last time I "forgot" to take them... It wasnt a very pretty escenario, like.. at all.


so.. the apptmnt went good.. the first 30 minutes anyway, until we hit hard ground with my detonators "lil questions".. She asked...
- Im quite nervous for Tania.. Im not sure if is her (read this) condition or if is only her.. How much can I request from her? Can I make pressure over her? (ugh.. more?)
** The docs looks at me, looks at my companion, looks at me again.. awkard silence, changes his leg position awkardly and says... **
- That's all tania.
** To this, my bomb detonator started accomplishing her funtion when started talking and rambling about how big of a failer I am, massive dissapointment and frustration a shame for he family (why?) .. how worst could it get?.. I burst in tears right there **
- Well, you gotta understand tania was raised in a very overprotective enviorament that didnt allow her to experiment consecuenses, hence why she's so scared of performing new things or move fowards when she knows she'll have to face something she's not ready for, never been.. but capable of. *lots of compliments here* She needs to see things for herself, without much help but only support from your part.


**ouch.. my detonator was so quiet by then.. and me.. i was sobbing like crazy.. and still crying out out of the sudden.. i guess thats what us with a "condition" of crazyness or w.e. do**


As soon as I got out of that hellish of a clinic with my eyes still stiring rivers and sobbing I ran to get me a fried mexican dessert.. call it punishment or glory.. I just felt like it an I did.. no purging followed but regret and guilt.. I'm used to this, a reminder i guess I happen to have a lil issue with food I havent control entirely, oh well... whats one more added to the list. Bite it.We end up goin to Walmart to get some late night needed stuff.. more food (fun fun.. NOT).. I was quiet all the time, nothing comming out of my mouth at that moment would've been good im sure, but I was feeling like devouring the entire store and not pay for anything as well!.

ps. I hate hall 9.. cookies and chocolates shouldnt be in the same place is just too suicidal. =/ aaand diabetic seccion is only a quarter of a hall :(... and its sugar free chocolates and cookies shouldnt cover their nutrition labels with other non-senses labels, how is a real diabetic person goin to believe you.. marketing? hello?





So.. I learned this.. is not my "condition" something to blame for my horrible and stupid decisions... It was me *tear* who made them, should be a reason behind them, Im sure there is, somewhere in my subconcience, seems like all it wants is to get me into trouble.. All I can do really is try do be more consistent and responsable, since thats what I lack of. It was also good the doc talked to my detonator, ever since then she just doesnt talk to me the same.. she's been really quiet with me and I've been also refusing any help she gives me to be "independent" yet.. I did got a pedicure she paid for today.. heh.. c'mon give me a break, this is hard!! cut me some slack my feet were really in need. they're all clean and soft now =).

lovee no readers =)

17.12.09

Summer all year thru =)

Where I live is always warm.. people is warm, weather is warm... Is the perfect spot.

Mazatlán is blessed with warm tropical weather, and I bet there are not many places you can go to the beach on December without getting a severe pneumonia due the cold salty waters from the ocean. That doesnt happen here :) yay me! Plus, you can totally survive here with only basic "hola-donde esta el bano-gracias-adios" spanish :) woohoo!

I was born and raised in Mazatlan, Mexico... a small town that rapidly grew into this amazingness of a city hah.. ok.. is not THAT big of a deal, but I am certainly quite proud of my lil' piece of tropical pacific coast, it's georgeous. I love..

... the beach & its sunsets :)




... the art, history & culture =)




I love it here.. as you can see.. every single aspect of Mazatlan (most of them) brings me some kind of peace.. relaxation with its beaches and warm from people. Rich in many aspects, I've been blessed in living here.. (hmm i guess.. thank u mom and dad? idunno)

>>>
I decided to talk about my town for my first post... just because I can i guess.. I wanted to talk about a lil piece of me, and that is for sure my hometown. You want to know more about me? check out my profile for more of that juicy stuff kittens ;)

- loove from mama :)