there is bridge I want to cross

-------------

That will take me where I want to go.. A clear sky, steady ground.. light and a unwalked path i will start tracing where the destination is not the most important thing but the journey.

hah.. found this online.. is suppouse to be funny.. i found it amusing! that is the sign of the half-way house I went inpatient in.. Ill show you:

there ya go! .. similar much! lol

Anyway it brought back memories of the time I spend at the clinic, it was only 45 days, but You bet I can remember most of it.. Let me give u a tour throu out my 2nd home.. this pictures are from the site http://www.casamispah.com/

the entrance.. u can see the front door on the back.

Id clean that area occacionally, was one of my faves, I was able to get into the bushes and pick up leaves, look at weird looking bugs, do sittings without they realizing haha, and explote my OCD picking up all leaves lol.. that fountains water is always cold.

This is in the back of the house, whenever I smoked, Id do it here after dinner, sometimes. Cleaning here was also fun and OCD.. the kitchen is right there and you could take a look to what was goin on, what was on tables and try to guess what they would do for breakfast, lunch or dinner lol, didnt spend much time here tho.. but it was nice for when I needed to talk to a therapist, I would just drag him-her here and sesh about whatever was bothering me... It only happened once, Ive always been private about my stuff.

the patio!.. haha we had a ´carne asada´there once, but is usually used for outdoor therapy, group therapy, hence the big rounded table and chairs, those chairs were heavy at first, not so much later on when i got stronger haha.. next are two bathrooms, for girls and boys.. even when I was out I had to count, whisle or sing while peein ... umcomfortable as hell.. but that was only after meals. Sometimes at night after dinner we would go there to digest, talk and stuff with another people.. smoke, I had some intense convos with peers there, then EDA would gather there too on tuesdays and thrusdays. my fav. part was right in front of that..

the pool! I was only able to go in weekends cause weekdays i was busy doin homework or from therapy to therapy.. I had good swims there, most of the time I dig in alone.. no one would join me and that kinda made me sad. But after a couple of laps I was good. also there are tannin beds on the left, and i got an awesome tan from it.. yup.. weekends were legit. saturday you still have a therapy or two and AA.. but sunday, nothing the entire day is for you.. I felt really grateful for days off. I would get that time to organize my closet, give me a nice spa session, pemper myself, laundry and meditation.

Now, last but not least...

THE room!.. there were 5 beds!, but only two were in used, mine and my roomate.. no girls but us. When I first got in all 5 were occupied, slowly two left, then one.. and me and my roomate stayed together til last week when another girl join in, but we had to leave her alone cause we both had to go. It was nice ya know, having someone to share this with, my roomate P, wont say name and I get there the same day, only she left a day earlier, but still.. really made me feel not alone.

:)

If I find pics of the rest of the house ill post them later. not the kitchen, we werent allow to go in unless we had permission or certain level of soberty. 45 days. I learnt a lot.. and Im truly happy and grateful for knowing what I know now. and making the changes Ive done. All I got left from this house are memories, cook sweet memories, I will cherrish forever!

Reality Check

that's right.. i weigh myself this morning, after the jog...

I knew I had gained weight with all my binging on junk Ive been doing to myself lately, I was shaking when I step on the scale I just knew that like it always happens, this was again, a milestone.. this moment was huge, it was a reality check I had to take in order to make changes, and I thought of weighing myself again in another store as if the embarrancement from weighting myself in the street wasnt painful enough, I wanted to do it again, just to make sure.. how lame and OCD is that.. grrr.. anyways.. so I weigh what I thought was my worst case scenario, I've gone fat, big time!! and is not my ED talking, Im seriusy in the edge of become Overweight and Im scared like shit about it, wont lie a bit. Im T E R R I F I E D !!!

The moment I saw that number my head started heating up, I was angry, guilty, sad... feeling grumpy and in my head tons of ideas about fasting came across, even cutting... this is why weighting myself is such a huge thing for me, everything can happen either lead me to a 4000 calorie binge or to a 4 day fast. Go EDnos!.. But then I thought; I needed to do this for myself, I wasnt goin to be living a lie, I need facts!, not more lies, Im full of it! Is about time to see things as they are, accept them or do proper (healthy/sane) changes only to.. IMPROVE myself. what am I talking about? where is tania heading?

Hello?.. yeah, thats where Im heading towards! weighloss.. seems like Ive always been in this road, and well yeah I have, my entire life!..  but never actually get there, and if I do, I cant stay long thats because of my ways to getting there, they havent been functioning, instead Ive been screwing me over and over. Its time to break that cycle. I want change, I need to make it, Permanent!. so I will.. I've made mistakes like... you know typical water fast, binge, laxatives, fad diets, diet coke, splenda, coffee, duiretics.. they dont work, they just mess me up more. So Im starting little changes, and Im allowing to be hit by life, as it is, emotions and feelings, people and surroundings. I want to live. Sick of skiping. skiping meals, parties, goin out, moments, laughs, cries, memories, breaths... Im the one who's been fastfowarding my life, and is time to pause if for a sec, click play and actually enjoy it.

How am I gonna achieve weighloss withOUT fallin into my old ED habits?

I'll write, and let god do the work. :) Just like that.

So far, Is been 2 days diet coke free! and splenda free!.. I have been adding good quality and quantity of veggies and actual fruits to my meals and water, lots of it. I've been going for mornng jogs and Im loving it!.. and the fact I didnt inmediatly went overboard after reading THE number is huge.. my friends, that is MASIVE! I was able to hold myself, put myself together and let it go, let it passed. I breath and thought to myself, well.. these extra numbers and fat are going away anyways with my brand new healthy sane lifestyle..Im gonna give myself the time, space.. Im making a difference!

rite!

goin veggan?

yup.. how about giving it a go to veggetables and fruits, cereals, wholegrain and nuts. Why not?

PETA concience, ya... after listening to the first 2 CDs of "Skinny Bitch" I was able to create a mental picture of the horrible things man does to animals, God loves them too!  how polluted are farms, what they feed animals with!!. I like green, Im eating green!

Really good Read!

Aand now I find myself thinking.. would this trigger me into fall into my eating disorder again?

 Hope not!.. But I seriously have learnt that a change requires more than just temporal, sporadical tiny changes here and there.. I need PERMANENT changes.. better choises, better decisions, better actions and in return, pretty damn good results! karma! And Ive known this since forever but like it says on the book; "you want to be skinny? use your brains!!" they have no idea how powerful are these words, or they do. Id never get tired of seeing how amazing it is to see human brain in action. is so complex! is so powerful!!

If I could get anything, anything... that would be being able to control my brain, have self control.. use it at my maximum.. how cool would that be. --- dot dot dot.. and the point was.. Im doing this for my own health. I even gonna quit splenda, diet coke and hear this: coffee! :o!!!.. i know.. no more aspartame for me.. ridiculous, Ive been living on these drugs for the last 10 years! Is gonna be quite a challange, but I know Im doing the right thing. I want to be healthy, not just skinny... I want to be a skinny bitch, kinda. haha I want the control back, but this time in a more sane way yee?
- of course no smoking anymore.. tho I was never a real smoker .. I only smoked for a perioud of what, 3 weeks maybe.. thats it. during the clinic in patient program.. stupid self control, grr.. So ya.. no touching that either. I dont even feel like to. thats no problemo!

No meat, chicken, beef, fish, milk, chesse, eggs?!?! What the H bomb are you goin to eat?!?! ... well..

turns out vegetarians actually have a food pyradm just for them.. check this out:

Some of the foods Im introducing to my meals are: herbal tea, whole grain breads and cereals, water WATER water, fruits, vegetables, raw brown sugar, grains, nuts, beans, soy (oh soy), natural and organic goods. :o wow.. wonder what it´ll be like.. Im feeling really excited about it.

I might have to go slowly, cutting off my coffee, splenda and coke is hard enough, im giving myself a week to ban this mosters off, at the same time include more fruit and veggies to my meals and reduce as much as I can of meats and dairy. yays!

Ill be posting more, need to keep track of this changes.. plus is my way not to trigger myself into my ED, and still enjoy writtng and all about it. lol .. Next post on a totally different-similar subject commin on next.

small chair

Im sorry, I really had to to do this...

sometimes, i feel like that.. but i know Im not, yet still feel my tights floating on air... stupid illiness, I swear If it wasnt because I know I have it, I would be trying to cut my thights off with a knife or something.. u.u

dont mind me today.

got the thumbs up

On my last appointment with my therapist and psycologist.. i got both to keep their thumbs up for me! yay

My Pshycatrist first, said
-My hair was growing so thats good,
- I was dressin more female and that
- He noticed I had a good humor
- Figured I was more relaxed than times before.
- Congratulate me on my job

He change my dosis of meds and order me another Brain Map to figure if I should start quiting the pills or see how was my brainie working with the depression and stuff and said something really wise about my choise on what I want to do with my life.. I said to him I was frustrated cause what I had been working on, my career seems to have been put on hold, that I dont know if i want to go back, that ... Im afraid of failure again. Dunno if im good at teaching anymore, We talked about me being confused about this whole thing.

He said, that being good at something, like 'english' or languages or maybe even 'teaching' doesnt mean I have to be a teacher. I can do many things with my skills. All I have to do is to really apply for stuff.
As homework, he asked me to look up in universities here .. take a look at careers, possible likes.. and evaluate my situation right now. Would you like to study? YES! .. now I have to look up for universities.. apparently having too much free time harms me a lot more.

Now.. My psycologist, she gave me the thumps up too, mainly...
- Congratulated me on my job
- On being stable
- On improving relationship with the family
- On being less anxious and more relaxed thru out the session (my legs are usually in constant movement)
- On being motivated trying to look up for stuff to do and keep myself busy

It was really nice, like a bliss!.. but still we adress a couple of things that are bothering me, every morning.. I wake up to the same thinking.. "I ate too much last night, im getting fat, im a failure, do not eat, do not eat..." is like I have woken up but the nightmare is still goin on! However Ive been able to go to the kitchen and have a real breakfast.. I keep on eating cap thruout the day... but at least im not goin back to my old me.. still... It's really bothering me and the voices get louder and more demanding ya know. I dont know how long I can take it. D (my psycologist) adviced me on givin a read and understand a couple of pages she gave me on inner and outter changes that needs to be done by an adict to fully recovered. I am an adict. And truth is, Im afraid to changes... but I know I gotta face them. She also reminded me that this is a new life Im living, the recovery road and I should start living it by now.

so yeah. Homework was reading and the exact same thing my psycatrist O said... looking for carrers, what motivates me, there is no rush. and thats true. According to this test i did yesterday I got the profile of a vetarinary, public relationships manager and principal of some sort, I liked it, It sounds promising. haha. We'll see.

-

i cant help but listen

gosh time goes by

HAIRCUT!

...again...

Besides haircut .. work and so on.. Ive been thru a couple of things..

Right now im torn.. I want to go to the english hall.. serve there.. but man Ive been so torn lately.

I got this job, ever since i got out of the clinic k,  4 hour shift, the easiest job on earth, perfect schedual.. not in my career side, but hey i still make money right. I was all about goin to preach afternoons and so on but I mean, as soon as I get home i crash into bed like Im so tired.. and im not. i swear im not even that tired.

I believe is the pills.. Is killin me. Makes me feel like im lazy, im eating way too much and Im just not liking the feelin. I hate it. 

Last month I've found myself looking for another part time job.. Ive bought a couple more things than i can afford and I know I need more money.. but Im scared of feeling.. ya know, stressed, cause when im stressed, Im just not myself.

And I start thinking, man.. Am I even capable, where is my limit, where sdo i wann ago, where do i want to stop?.. do i want to stop?..

How much is far enough. I wish.. so many things. I wish I didnt feel, I wasnt feeling dissapointed by myself, I didnt get my family dissapointed at me.. It breaks me, It hurts.

there are times when I dont feel part of the world as it is.. sometimes i feel.. like Im here, but Im not, like ive long gone, that I can make my own world part of this world too.. but I dont .. it cant. Im afraid... I will end up talking out loud, I confuse my worlds and got to lose my mind, look ridiculous.. Im scared.

The girl in the mirror will come out of it, take over me and I won be able to stop her, ... anymore.

down

I cant stand myself.
Is not one of those, I cant see my reflection in the mirrors, I just chose not to, what bothers me the most is that sofocating, hurtful feeling of discomfort of my flesh being tighten to my mezclilla jeans, my hips split in two giant wheels of fat.. like lifesavers. pounding flesh, wavy arms... total disaster. that's me. The perception of myself is horrible right now.

I need a diet now.. Ive been thinking a lot about having those pills, anfetamines.. but thats a relapse just by taking them, again.. I need to find a better way out, a more effective one. But all I can think of is restrict-tania-restrict... Eating causes me guilt, cause well.. I know what I'm eating is no good and I know it will make me fat, I still eat it tho, as a way of sayiing, I dont care. But I gotta understand I care, I will always care about it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The illiness is there, I cant help it.

Eating has become also my way of punishment, I eat so I dont feel... never been so clear. And even tho I was released from the clinic with Anorexia, my fear to food is off the table .. Now I cant stop.. and that is what frightens me the most. I cant handle me, I cant handle the guilt. It inmediatly makes me feel like I need to do something, what comes to mind tho are not very conveniant answers such as: cut, isolate, keep it to yourself.  I hate this stupid diciese!! All I want is to get over and done with it.

The pills give me that satisfaction, They make me lose the apetite, which means I no longet suffer in thinking what should I eat,  feel tempted to eat crap like I do... pills are like heaven. but, Ill be hurting myself even more... fucking cycle. I hate this.

mirror inquiri

after that psicotic episode at the clinic in front that mirror, i've been questioning myself If  have I ever really seen myself as I am for real in a mirror.. or a refleccion of any sort. who to trust? If I cant even trust my eyes... This gave me lots of insecurities. Everytime I have to look at the mirror, I dont know what Ill see.. me?, her?.. who?
Then, when she starts talking.. and I get scared, she takes over me and I just watch.. I cant move. She's taking control over me and my actions, I dunno what she'll make my body to do next. I dont want to be her.

crazy enough for you?

=*

stepback.. :(

After a "cough cough" hard day at work.. I collapse, kinda like that.

Yesterday was rather intense.. I figured it would be since my sesh with my therapist the night before was it also. I had a long convo about emotional happenings, trying to figure out why was I so anxious and why it seemed like everything was so perfect, cause apparently, like learned already nothing is perfect, when things are going so smoothly you can make sure theres something evil hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting to be bother with the minimal amount of stress or emotional distress and ya know, Boom!! 

She noticed I was hiding something, and ya.. I totally kinda "forgot" to mention a couple of things, like.. a) im having pills I shouldnt be having, I felt I needed them to control my anxiaty, problem is; they also disminish my apetite, and well... ya I've lost a couple of pounds within this week.. =/ .. about 5 pounds in less than week can't be good.. also obviously b) I weight myself, and I know I shouldn't have, I got obsessed over it again, it's costing me a lot to eat again, but im trying, Im litteraly draging my body to the kitchen to eat, is really hard right now. Im having an official stepback.

We also talked about the possibility of goin to the clinic again for a week, I dont want to cause I got a job, a life kinda happening and I cant be hiding from it all.. She agreed with me, I dont need contention right now. I need to deal with my problems now, and Is hard. Just trying to figure out what my problem is, is hard... is way too easy to hide evrything behind the mirror, the scale or the food.

I figure tho, some stuff that might be moving me emotionly could be...  my exboyfriend comming to get me at my work almost daily.. I cant have a relationship, just because Im not ready.. I cant deal with emotions like that .. Im so afraid of being rejected or on the other hand engage in some sort of way. I just can't take a desicion like that right now, also my bff in town depends on me most of the time and I worry too much, and I cant think of anything else. =/  I quit eating to be with her or help her somehow, but I really need stability, and is not her problem, is mine.. I shouldnt be like this.

Also, Im not sure if Im goin back to school, Im kinda procrastinating that as well.  I need to work this out one by one.

I still dont have a plan, depending on how I feel tomorrow Ill join the gym with a friend =) .. Im quite excited about it. GYM!.. Im hoping that makes me feel hungry but not anxious and I could eat better then. I might have to quit those pills.. I need to go with my drug dispenser (aka: psycatrist) in order to know what to do now. ---

ugh.. so University.. I went to this university to give my testimony, talk about my history with anorexia and bulimia and treatment to a bunch of girls and guys studying nutrition, I hate dieticians, but they're my saviors.. I told them they should be firm but cautios with the way they treat us... because of how we mix emotions and food, and the role control have at least in me. . . Also did mention my perfect dietician would be the one that has a comunication with my therapist, and knows my condition and detonators and stuff.. also kind, but firm.. wouldnt that be great. -- I do have a story about my dietician but I will be telling you later .. is time to go to bed. ^^ I truly enjoyed the testimony thing and the class.. people were stunning thinking and asking questions about ya know evrything, I felt alright. It felt good, Im happy I could give the message to others, I dfntly want to keep on doing this kinda thing. :)

I better go.. :) au revoir!

weird cloudy day

Well.. its been quite a while.. over a month I've been out of the clinic... And is not easy.. at all.
I know.. I knoow

i kinda am having problems eating... getting myself to eat is hard.. it was at first cause i would eat more than i should ... then.. under medication.. that i shouldnt have had... i cant even get close to food.. is disgusting. w.w

I cant eat now.. not like i normally would do..if u call that 'normal'.
uh.. im trying now, it sure is a struggle.

im glad at least i have smthing to do.. work.. oooh
i saw my psycologist today.. she invited me over to her class to give a speech about my disorder. It will help me a lot.. cause Ill be able to talk about it.. in public.. but im also really nervous... w.w
these people are my age.. who knows.. what if someone from there was sometime in one of my clases!

being paranoid.. just a bit. w.w
tomorrow will be interesting

@ work..

i just thought of uploading another pic.. i have lots to talk about.. I will post in a couple of hours.. my plan is to escape to a cafe to write down some stuff, blog and be alone for a bit.. after that Im goin with my bff lilian to see a play .. yay!..

yup.. not feeling likely to go home at all. beah

I got paid ysterday!.. my expenses so far have been right. but if i continue with this pace im gonna run out of money in less than a week.

luv!

my bff 'n me @ work

what is my job like..

Heei ya!

 Im at work! yaay.. allow me toshow u what is all about to work in a decoration store... :)

- I sell you things... pretty things... like.. dat ( hint: my eyes) . It makes your kitchen, bathroom, living room, house prettier for sure. It also makes me rich so ... is a win-win situation kinda thing.

- I make the store look prettier by cleaning up furniture and accesories... I dont mind it since im a Dust Nazi. =)

THEN..

- I wait.. for you to come and ask me something!.. and even if u dont ask me.. I will be telling you cause.. cause.. i know about selling -bwaha- ... in the midtime.. i just wait.. and.. wait...

and WAIT... this can be reely tiring.. and boring if i dont have my laptop with me or anything else to do. although it almost never happens cause I always find a way to entretain myself, one way or another. like I said... theres always some dust that needs to be aniquilated. -witty smile-

thats my job :)... peace OUT.. im gonna be out pretty soon now.. I wants pizza!

first day at work pt2

Day One!
It was quite entretaining, I cant wait for my first selling thing.. haha.. although im happy just cleaning up, is awesome actually cause since Im very obsessive over stuff... including cleaning the dust and stuff like that, moping floors... i like things being clean so that is no probem for me at all. Im loving it!

Minutes after I was off from work, My exboyfriend appear... he got me this:

Hershy's kisses... man.. i was so hungry. Bad Idea.

He also gave me a ride home and we talked on the way... He looked really good actually, and god ive been wanting to kiss someone lately.. ahaha.. lame. anywaay, he also gave me a lil souvenir he brought me from when he went out of town, so cutee!.. But no tania focus!! Recovery now! ugh..

time to go to bed.. work tomorrow :)

about the kisses.. i did have them all in one sitting.. how i feel?.. like shit i didnt miss my dinner tho, I was gonna feel even more guilty if i did.. but tomorrow im working trying foods that are healthier and less grasy and stuff.. I mean, I know ive gain weight, no I havent weight myself, i fear the scale a lot still.. so yup.. I need to lose w.e. ive gain, til i feel fine again ill weight myself.. i know for sure smthing is wrong just bc my period totally messes up when im not eating correctly and i havent had it in a while again, even tho im eating... w.e. I need healthy good stuff now.. and lose gained weight.. Im still terrified about becoming fat and my body image days arent the best.. AT ALL.. suck-ie!

Itll be a better day tomorrow! :)

first day at work pt. 1

yup yup!

tania is up for a job right now!

My outfit is dftnly anything but what it looked on my interview... but since a) Im getting a uniform and b) Is an art enviorament.. it might just not be that big of a deal.. i almost look great hey! hehe

Is an interir design store ill be woking in, my boss is lovely and I will be working with my BFF so that makes it even more easy and pleaseful :) .. man.. I cant wait.. I gotta go now.

ttyl pals!

looove ya

meow-ie!

Wanda was my first kitten.. She found me one night she was just standing at my door.. a night of a hurrican Lane hitting Mazatlan, there was no way I was going to let that lil white ball of fur alone in the rain.. I hide her in my room and my parents didnt realized til the next day. It was quite a surprice for everyone. I was allowed to keep her for at least 2 months. then I had to give her away.  My sister hates cats =(.

-----

Just yesterday... I adquired a new kitten Im very proud of.. her name is Katrina..she's a Russian Blue kitten, only that i cant have it at home cause they'll kill me, so right now its at a friends house .. and it looks exactly like this: (but cuter) 

So far.. Ive realized is a cat with attitude, she's got a very unique meowing and likes dark cuddling places, she enjoys being alone as much as she loves exploring, eating lottos and owning the house.. she's a doll!.. I fall in love wit her the second I saw her.. :) And I adopted her .. yay! she's the greatest kitten ever.

My bff got a cat too.. it's a gray tippey cat.. is really cute!! very playful, curious and attention whore... only that he doesnt have a name yet. Will soon.. im sure. Im gonna go check on my kitty tonight and probbly spend the night there. Not so sure, but hopefully right. Yay.. so.. this might be a pic of our kittens in a coup of years.

 

HOW CUTEEE!

ps. I promise to update pics of my actual kitten asap :)

what is it like

What's recovery like?

well... recovery is a major bitch.. Now if u mean the half-way clinic... well then that was paradise! It was as if they took away all my problems (which they did) away. No pressure of anything, nor stress,  it was just me and my disorder, and we werent fighting all the time, we were dealing with each other. I learnt to live with it.

I learnt that it is possible, that there is a solution. I also learnt there are things that will never go away like my body dysmorphia :(, my personality and of course my problems with food. I didnt go to th clinic to be cured. I went there so I didnt die or fall deep down  in my anorexia. It worked.

I got estabilized, I even drop a couple of pounds while i was staying there. I enjoy food most times now.. I knew I wasnt ready to leave the clinic when I did but I prayed to god for help. And Im here right now. Situation is.. I hate meal plans, I know what I should be eating and Im trying to keep a balance but Im not being "perfect" about it. I dont want to get obsess. So im just trying to do whats right. =) Is crazy to think that by eating 5 times a day I can lose weight (not important).. and feel better about myself, that my solution to my emotional imbalance is not a bar of chocolate or a week fast but to talk about it.. Is now my decision to make a fool out of myself  or step fowards and do something good for myself for my own good now.

life turned out white

Hey there! I'm back!

After 45 days in a rehab clinic due my eating disorder I made it thru my first and hopefully only clinic and rehab treatment. These were the happenings before goin in-patient:
- surviving on coffee, chocolate & diet coke only
- walking all over mazatlan nonsense
- throwing up anything that wasnt my "regular food".
- wanting to change (aka: eat) but not being able to
- tired, weak and dazed
- extream and ridiculous fear to food and fat
- captured by parents, they watching every move
- quitting school/ not attending
-  horrible & terrifying Body Image days
- total isolation no internet, friends or meetings.

That last week my parents were trying to get me to drink ensure, but i wouldnt have it... not in a regular dosis, i was just having a ridiculous hyper mini dosis while they forced me to have it id kick and scream.. I couldnt believe they wanted me to get fat, to me anyways. it was horrible. Like a mere nightmare that wouldnt go away. My end was set infront of me when my dad screamed, cried and layed down to the floor in a fist of impulsiveness... he gave up, like a lil 5 year old boy.. he surrended. And I wondered... how am I suppouse to beat this monster, is overtaking also my family. Is not fair. Is beyond me, I need help.. and my parents.. they need some rest. I decided then that as soon as I get the chance to go to that clinic I would say yes. I wouldnt second guess it again... yet again I havent reach my deep end I dont think I want to be there, tho my sick inner person is dying to be in the edge. still today.

Ive learnt a lot within the time I was in the clinic. Id love to show you what was it like every day. Surpricing, Melancolic, and tearful... I cried almost everyday, I hated, I loved, I smiled, I mourn. but above all things I learnt. Good things. :)
I know I shoudnt be scared to food, there is no point in doin so... is my diesice and I understand that now.. but im not happy about it. I hate the fact that I cant deal with my emotions, my feelings, that they overwhealm me everytime.. that I cant just deal with it without having to involve food.. Im learning how not to... I do fair good enough. I need more coping mechanisms, I just noticed.  Ill tty about that in a bit.  next post hey.

Heres where I stand today. A week after getting out of the clinic. I first manage to manipulate my family oh so well!! I knew I did already even before the meeting, but now it was just more notorious for me cause I noticed their codependence to me.

second strike.. out?

Second time Ive been sat with my parents in therapy to discussed the possibility of me goin in-patient.

The first time it happened I negotiate with them I was gonna get better.. and I did.. I was taking my meds, I gain weight, I was doing school, but I was still feeling like crap most of the time.. still I did some progress! In fact, my visit in december to my phsycatrist was a major success. He even said he'd be reducing my intake of pills and that I had had major progress as well... of course now with this relapse it is just not gonna happen.

I dunno how much weight i've lost, but apprnlty enough to make me go inpatient for at least a week.. two weeks top, im hoping. I know is the best for me, but Im terrified by it. Im mostly concern about no communication what so ever, no internet, phone, tv, no internet!! :(.. then Im not allowed to be in the kitchen, or part take in any decision concerning to my food, Im taking everything in. And is just so not fair. This really scares me. And I know nothing about physical activity.!! they do have a basketball basket and a pool =p, dont know if im allowed tho.

Something funny happen after the meeting with my parents and my ED especialist and psycologist; my parents tried to turn the house into a clinic .. treating me like a sick person. They dont want me out, Im suppouse to be eating with them and all. I cant go out at all.. no physical activity and thats just driving me nuts. I just ran up and down the stairs for a bit cause I cant stay still this much and i was suffocating. :( I think because Im not walking enough and losing condition. Ive been secretly wanting to escape and walk the malecon or something to make me feel better. Im not eating enough, My parents are now more aware of it and I hate that. Is not like I dont want to, I try... stupid voices.

Anyway.. my family is concern, all of them, Ive got aunts, uncles, cousins and stuff comming to the house making me feel like a baby.. sucks, but at the same time, i aint going to lie, I like it, but i feel so retarded.. Im 20 for gods sake! 

This time.. I want recovery. Is hard, im scared. but hopefully Ill do alright.

Im just a lil bit worried cause my doc said he'll contact my dad but he hasnt yet. So Im thinking, maybe is not that important?.. back and foward thinking no good.

I. Like. Food.

i do, i do ...

current status

Ok.. heres the deal.
ive been avoiding me posting this here.. but i figure i needed to let things out see if I can order my ideas and make any sense.

Lets talk about trich.. as I call it for short, also known as Trichotillomania (spelling) has been with me for over 10 years.. I wasnt aware of her companion until I started seeing the patches of no hair in my head.. and handful of hair behind my shoulders. I knew I had to stop.. I tried many things; gloves, hats, punshing myself, hair wet, hair wrap, haircuts, hair treatments, councelors, antidepressents, even highlights once so I could make myself feel better.. and there were times I was fine, but as soon as something would go wrong, stress or simple boredom .. u would see my hand goin up my head with no return ticket.

Trich or "hair pulling disorder", is usually known for the uncontrolled urge for pulling ones hair, either from your head, arms, legs, pubic hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. In my case I'd only do arms, sometimes eyebrows but mainly from my head, It has been categorazied as a obsesive compulsive disorder, theres people who also eat the hair, thats however not my case.

The first time I heard about Trich was on a Magazine about self-harm in 2004, I inmediatly said that wasnt me, It wasnt my case!, cause I wasnt punishing myself when I'd do it, many times it was just cause of boredom, for no reason, even without noticing. It was really hard for me to believe there was such a condition since everyone, EVERYONE.. would touch their hair from time to time right?, only that not ALL people would leave patches of no hair and be so frustrated about not being able to stop.

Commun Questions:
Does it hurt?
Front middle area, yes.
Above ears and sides, yes.
Middle of scalp, yes.
Everywhere else, no. It doesnt!. I dunno if I got used to, I just simply like it, I find it relaxing and yes, I do feel the hair getting out of te scalp, is alright, I dont mind it. And yeah.. if u pull my hair I will notice and slap you too, cause It does hurt and the only one pullin my hair will be mee, me not likes people touching my hair.

Am I bold?
NO.. been close to, but no.

Why dont you just stop?
I cant.. litteraly I just cant!.. You can hit me as many times as you want putting my hand down, Ill get it down, but that wot make me stop. Next thing can be my arms or lips.. (no hair on my lips i know, i mean if they are dry I usually take the dry skin off).
And you can show me the most horrible picture of a person with trich, no hair, w.e. I will freak out, I will react, but I wont stop.. I know that if I continue like this I will be bold in a matter of a year or more.. but that wont stop me. I cant stop.  And that is what really hurts.

Right now is like.. both ED and Trich had revealed against me. Those two lil bastards.. ugh.. Is been crazy lately, and Im afraid. My parents dont see a progress, I dont see a progress.. I am not feeling very good in my eating is concern.. Lets say that since I started restricting and fasting on purpose, now that I want to eat more is being really hard.. yesterday for instance I broke my streak of no purging.. but I just couldnt hold in my dinner.. it sucked.

Me wants a brain surgery. Im pretty screwed.

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness | Never Say Diet

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness Never Say Diet

trich is back.. kicking hard

If is not this.. is that...
One way or another, theres always something up.

back!

Im home!!
The weekend was epic, but it was rich and I really like it.
- I accepted my ED as part of me, not my whole.
- Im grateful to my family and friends
- I believe I can recover
- I promise myself I wont hurt me anymore
- Im proud of my progress
- I have to work in body image and rituals.. more on that later.

--

kjsdflksaj

epic weekend ahead

So the plan is..

im kinda going in-patient for the weekend..
man.. i just didnt see that comming

school works

Allow me to introduce you to my class and.. the pizza boxes. that day was the day of that post.

These were the kids Ive been with for 2 years.. but then I decided to let go off them cause I wasnt good enough or.. ya know w.evs. I got my diagnosis for depression, I had a horrible breakdown I was going back and fowards, My ED was my world and I sadly was proud of it. very sadly.. Anyway.. Im not in the same classroom with them anymore.. isnt that funny.. and lame.

bleh.. this people are really nice.. now let me share with you the girls and the boys seprtly.

GIRLS

BOYS

School really works for me is the only thing that can keep me disconected from my disorder and my self destructive being, I mean, seriously is like freaking cannabis, If Im aware and focus on the information with the right motivation.. nothing will stop me. Im just there loving it. I love learning. There are a couple of events comming ahead. One is in Cancun, to what im really excited! I really want to go to the conferences there. When have I been in Cancun? Nevaa!  firstie please!

Im really looking fowards to that.. I want to take the best out of school.
^^

a pic with my new class must be taken and uploaded soon

i dont want to feel

he surpriced me. again.

I wasnt expecting seeing him, or having him following me.

We broke up a week ago, something that wasnt meant to happen, just happened.

I was at the bus stop when he approached, gave me an enveloped of x ray in a card.

- first thing i thought about, omgshii..pleasepleasedontletitbeabrokenheart!, He looked so cute and his mouth was trembling.. We said hi, we said bye.. and I walk off the feelings by walking to my house from school.

Inside... was this:

the dignosis was: "I cant get you out of my head"

and this...

Im a freaking rock. :'(