stepback.. :(

After a "cough cough" hard day at work.. I collapse, kinda like that.

Yesterday was rather intense.. I figured it would be since my sesh with my therapist the night before was it also. I had a long convo about emotional happenings, trying to figure out why was I so anxious and why it seemed like everything was so perfect, cause apparently, like learned already nothing is perfect, when things are going so smoothly you can make sure theres something evil hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting to be bother with the minimal amount of stress or emotional distress and ya know, Boom!! 

She noticed I was hiding something, and ya.. I totally kinda "forgot" to mention a couple of things, like.. a) im having pills I shouldnt be having, I felt I needed them to control my anxiaty, problem is; they also disminish my apetite, and well... ya I've lost a couple of pounds within this week.. =/ .. about 5 pounds in less than week can't be good.. also obviously b) I weight myself, and I know I shouldn't have, I got obsessed over it again, it's costing me a lot to eat again, but im trying, Im litteraly draging my body to the kitchen to eat, is really hard right now. Im having an official stepback.

We also talked about the possibility of goin to the clinic again for a week, I dont want to cause I got a job, a life kinda happening and I cant be hiding from it all.. She agreed with me, I dont need contention right now. I need to deal with my problems now, and Is hard. Just trying to figure out what my problem is, is hard... is way too easy to hide evrything behind the mirror, the scale or the food.

I figure tho, some stuff that might be moving me emotionly could be...  my exboyfriend comming to get me at my work almost daily.. I cant have a relationship, just because Im not ready.. I cant deal with emotions like that .. Im so afraid of being rejected or on the other hand engage in some sort of way. I just can't take a desicion like that right now, also my bff in town depends on me most of the time and I worry too much, and I cant think of anything else. =/  I quit eating to be with her or help her somehow, but I really need stability, and is not her problem, is mine.. I shouldnt be like this.

Also, Im not sure if Im goin back to school, Im kinda procrastinating that as well.  I need to work this out one by one.

I still dont have a plan, depending on how I feel tomorrow Ill join the gym with a friend =) .. Im quite excited about it. GYM!.. Im hoping that makes me feel hungry but not anxious and I could eat better then. I might have to quit those pills.. I need to go with my drug dispenser (aka: psycatrist) in order to know what to do now. ---

ugh.. so University.. I went to this university to give my testimony, talk about my history with anorexia and bulimia and treatment to a bunch of girls and guys studying nutrition, I hate dieticians, but they're my saviors.. I told them they should be firm but cautios with the way they treat us... because of how we mix emotions and food, and the role control have at least in me. . . Also did mention my perfect dietician would be the one that has a comunication with my therapist, and knows my condition and detonators and stuff.. also kind, but firm.. wouldnt that be great. -- I do have a story about my dietician but I will be telling you later .. is time to go to bed. ^^ I truly enjoyed the testimony thing and the class.. people were stunning thinking and asking questions about ya know evrything, I felt alright. It felt good, Im happy I could give the message to others, I dfntly want to keep on doing this kinda thing. :)

I better go.. :) au revoir!