what is it like

What's recovery like?

well... recovery is a major bitch.. Now if u mean the half-way clinic... well then that was paradise! It was as if they took away all my problems (which they did) away. No pressure of anything, nor stress,  it was just me and my disorder, and we werent fighting all the time, we were dealing with each other. I learnt to live with it.

I learnt that it is possible, that there is a solution. I also learnt there are things that will never go away like my body dysmorphia :(, my personality and of course my problems with food. I didnt go to th clinic to be cured. I went there so I didnt die or fall deep down  in my anorexia. It worked.

I got estabilized, I even drop a couple of pounds while i was staying there. I enjoy food most times now.. I knew I wasnt ready to leave the clinic when I did but I prayed to god for help. And Im here right now. Situation is.. I hate meal plans, I know what I should be eating and Im trying to keep a balance but Im not being "perfect" about it. I dont want to get obsess. So im just trying to do whats right. =) Is crazy to think that by eating 5 times a day I can lose weight (not important).. and feel better about myself, that my solution to my emotional imbalance is not a bar of chocolate or a week fast but to talk about it.. Is now my decision to make a fool out of myself  or step fowards and do something good for myself for my own good now.

life turned out white

Hey there! I'm back!

After 45 days in a rehab clinic due my eating disorder I made it thru my first and hopefully only clinic and rehab treatment. These were the happenings before goin in-patient:
- surviving on coffee, chocolate & diet coke only
- walking all over mazatlan nonsense
- throwing up anything that wasnt my "regular food".
- wanting to change (aka: eat) but not being able to
- tired, weak and dazed
- extream and ridiculous fear to food and fat
- captured by parents, they watching every move
- quitting school/ not attending
-  horrible & terrifying Body Image days
- total isolation no internet, friends or meetings.

That last week my parents were trying to get me to drink ensure, but i wouldnt have it... not in a regular dosis, i was just having a ridiculous hyper mini dosis while they forced me to have it id kick and scream.. I couldnt believe they wanted me to get fat, to me anyways. it was horrible. Like a mere nightmare that wouldnt go away. My end was set infront of me when my dad screamed, cried and layed down to the floor in a fist of impulsiveness... he gave up, like a lil 5 year old boy.. he surrended. And I wondered... how am I suppouse to beat this monster, is overtaking also my family. Is not fair. Is beyond me, I need help.. and my parents.. they need some rest. I decided then that as soon as I get the chance to go to that clinic I would say yes. I wouldnt second guess it again... yet again I havent reach my deep end I dont think I want to be there, tho my sick inner person is dying to be in the edge. still today.

Ive learnt a lot within the time I was in the clinic. Id love to show you what was it like every day. Surpricing, Melancolic, and tearful... I cried almost everyday, I hated, I loved, I smiled, I mourn. but above all things I learnt. Good things. :)
I know I shoudnt be scared to food, there is no point in doin so... is my diesice and I understand that now.. but im not happy about it. I hate the fact that I cant deal with my emotions, my feelings, that they overwhealm me everytime.. that I cant just deal with it without having to involve food.. Im learning how not to... I do fair good enough. I need more coping mechanisms, I just noticed.  Ill tty about that in a bit.  next post hey.

Heres where I stand today. A week after getting out of the clinic. I first manage to manipulate my family oh so well!! I knew I did already even before the meeting, but now it was just more notorious for me cause I noticed their codependence to me.