life turned out white

Hey there! I'm back!

After 45 days in a rehab clinic due my eating disorder I made it thru my first and hopefully only clinic and rehab treatment. These were the happenings before goin in-patient:
- surviving on coffee, chocolate & diet coke only
- walking all over mazatlan nonsense
- throwing up anything that wasnt my "regular food".
- wanting to change (aka: eat) but not being able to
- tired, weak and dazed
- extream and ridiculous fear to food and fat
- captured by parents, they watching every move
- quitting school/ not attending
-  horrible & terrifying Body Image days
- total isolation no internet, friends or meetings.

That last week my parents were trying to get me to drink ensure, but i wouldnt have it... not in a regular dosis, i was just having a ridiculous hyper mini dosis while they forced me to have it id kick and scream.. I couldnt believe they wanted me to get fat, to me anyways. it was horrible. Like a mere nightmare that wouldnt go away. My end was set infront of me when my dad screamed, cried and layed down to the floor in a fist of impulsiveness... he gave up, like a lil 5 year old boy.. he surrended. And I wondered... how am I suppouse to beat this monster, is overtaking also my family. Is not fair. Is beyond me, I need help.. and my parents.. they need some rest. I decided then that as soon as I get the chance to go to that clinic I would say yes. I wouldnt second guess it again... yet again I havent reach my deep end I dont think I want to be there, tho my sick inner person is dying to be in the edge. still today.

Ive learnt a lot within the time I was in the clinic. Id love to show you what was it like every day. Surpricing, Melancolic, and tearful... I cried almost everyday, I hated, I loved, I smiled, I mourn. but above all things I learnt. Good things. :)
I know I shoudnt be scared to food, there is no point in doin so... is my diesice and I understand that now.. but im not happy about it. I hate the fact that I cant deal with my emotions, my feelings, that they overwhealm me everytime.. that I cant just deal with it without having to involve food.. Im learning how not to... I do fair good enough. I need more coping mechanisms, I just noticed.  Ill tty about that in a bit.  next post hey.

Heres where I stand today. A week after getting out of the clinic. I first manage to manipulate my family oh so well!! I knew I did already even before the meeting, but now it was just more notorious for me cause I noticed their codependence to me.