second strike.. out?

Second time Ive been sat with my parents in therapy to discussed the possibility of me goin in-patient.

The first time it happened I negotiate with them I was gonna get better.. and I did.. I was taking my meds, I gain weight, I was doing school, but I was still feeling like crap most of the time.. still I did some progress! In fact, my visit in december to my phsycatrist was a major success. He even said he'd be reducing my intake of pills and that I had had major progress as well... of course now with this relapse it is just not gonna happen.

I dunno how much weight i've lost, but apprnlty enough to make me go inpatient for at least a week.. two weeks top, im hoping. I know is the best for me, but Im terrified by it. Im mostly concern about no communication what so ever, no internet, phone, tv, no internet!! :(.. then Im not allowed to be in the kitchen, or part take in any decision concerning to my food, Im taking everything in. And is just so not fair. This really scares me. And I know nothing about physical activity.!! they do have a basketball basket and a pool =p, dont know if im allowed tho.

Something funny happen after the meeting with my parents and my ED especialist and psycologist; my parents tried to turn the house into a clinic .. treating me like a sick person. They dont want me out, Im suppouse to be eating with them and all. I cant go out at all.. no physical activity and thats just driving me nuts. I just ran up and down the stairs for a bit cause I cant stay still this much and i was suffocating. :( I think because Im not walking enough and losing condition. Ive been secretly wanting to escape and walk the malecon or something to make me feel better. Im not eating enough, My parents are now more aware of it and I hate that. Is not like I dont want to, I try... stupid voices.

Anyway.. my family is concern, all of them, Ive got aunts, uncles, cousins and stuff comming to the house making me feel like a baby.. sucks, but at the same time, i aint going to lie, I like it, but i feel so retarded.. Im 20 for gods sake! 

This time.. I want recovery. Is hard, im scared. but hopefully Ill do alright.

Im just a lil bit worried cause my doc said he'll contact my dad but he hasnt yet. So Im thinking, maybe is not that important?.. back and foward thinking no good.

I. Like. Food.

i do, i do ...

current status

Ok.. heres the deal.
ive been avoiding me posting this here.. but i figure i needed to let things out see if I can order my ideas and make any sense.

Lets talk about trich.. as I call it for short, also known as Trichotillomania (spelling) has been with me for over 10 years.. I wasnt aware of her companion until I started seeing the patches of no hair in my head.. and handful of hair behind my shoulders. I knew I had to stop.. I tried many things; gloves, hats, punshing myself, hair wet, hair wrap, haircuts, hair treatments, councelors, antidepressents, even highlights once so I could make myself feel better.. and there were times I was fine, but as soon as something would go wrong, stress or simple boredom .. u would see my hand goin up my head with no return ticket.

Trich or "hair pulling disorder", is usually known for the uncontrolled urge for pulling ones hair, either from your head, arms, legs, pubic hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. In my case I'd only do arms, sometimes eyebrows but mainly from my head, It has been categorazied as a obsesive compulsive disorder, theres people who also eat the hair, thats however not my case.

The first time I heard about Trich was on a Magazine about self-harm in 2004, I inmediatly said that wasnt me, It wasnt my case!, cause I wasnt punishing myself when I'd do it, many times it was just cause of boredom, for no reason, even without noticing. It was really hard for me to believe there was such a condition since everyone, EVERYONE.. would touch their hair from time to time right?, only that not ALL people would leave patches of no hair and be so frustrated about not being able to stop.

Commun Questions:
Does it hurt?
Front middle area, yes.
Above ears and sides, yes.
Middle of scalp, yes.
Everywhere else, no. It doesnt!. I dunno if I got used to, I just simply like it, I find it relaxing and yes, I do feel the hair getting out of te scalp, is alright, I dont mind it. And yeah.. if u pull my hair I will notice and slap you too, cause It does hurt and the only one pullin my hair will be mee, me not likes people touching my hair.

Am I bold?
NO.. been close to, but no.

Why dont you just stop?
I cant.. litteraly I just cant!.. You can hit me as many times as you want putting my hand down, Ill get it down, but that wot make me stop. Next thing can be my arms or lips.. (no hair on my lips i know, i mean if they are dry I usually take the dry skin off).
And you can show me the most horrible picture of a person with trich, no hair, w.e. I will freak out, I will react, but I wont stop.. I know that if I continue like this I will be bold in a matter of a year or more.. but that wont stop me. I cant stop.  And that is what really hurts.

Right now is like.. both ED and Trich had revealed against me. Those two lil bastards.. ugh.. Is been crazy lately, and Im afraid. My parents dont see a progress, I dont see a progress.. I am not feeling very good in my eating is concern.. Lets say that since I started restricting and fasting on purpose, now that I want to eat more is being really hard.. yesterday for instance I broke my streak of no purging.. but I just couldnt hold in my dinner.. it sucked.

Me wants a brain surgery. Im pretty screwed.

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness | Never Say Diet

4 Gonzo Pranks To Raise ED Awareness Never Say Diet

trich is back.. kicking hard

If is not this.. is that...
One way or another, theres always something up.

back!

Im home!!
The weekend was epic, but it was rich and I really like it.
- I accepted my ED as part of me, not my whole.
- Im grateful to my family and friends
- I believe I can recover
- I promise myself I wont hurt me anymore
- Im proud of my progress
- I have to work in body image and rituals.. more on that later.

--

kjsdflksaj

epic weekend ahead

So the plan is..

im kinda going in-patient for the weekend..
man.. i just didnt see that comming

school works

Allow me to introduce you to my class and.. the pizza boxes. that day was the day of that post.

These were the kids Ive been with for 2 years.. but then I decided to let go off them cause I wasnt good enough or.. ya know w.evs. I got my diagnosis for depression, I had a horrible breakdown I was going back and fowards, My ED was my world and I sadly was proud of it. very sadly.. Anyway.. Im not in the same classroom with them anymore.. isnt that funny.. and lame.

bleh.. this people are really nice.. now let me share with you the girls and the boys seprtly.

GIRLS

BOYS

School really works for me is the only thing that can keep me disconected from my disorder and my self destructive being, I mean, seriously is like freaking cannabis, If Im aware and focus on the information with the right motivation.. nothing will stop me. Im just there loving it. I love learning. There are a couple of events comming ahead. One is in Cancun, to what im really excited! I really want to go to the conferences there. When have I been in Cancun? Nevaa!  firstie please!

Im really looking fowards to that.. I want to take the best out of school.
^^

a pic with my new class must be taken and uploaded soon

i dont want to feel

he surpriced me. again.

I wasnt expecting seeing him, or having him following me.

We broke up a week ago, something that wasnt meant to happen, just happened.

I was at the bus stop when he approached, gave me an enveloped of x ray in a card.

- first thing i thought about, omgshii..pleasepleasedontletitbeabrokenheart!, He looked so cute and his mouth was trembling.. We said hi, we said bye.. and I walk off the feelings by walking to my house from school.

Inside... was this:

the dignosis was: "I cant get you out of my head"

and this...

Im a freaking rock. :'(

-.-

tired.

cupcake of death

I JUST KNOW I SHOULDNT HAD :(

 

W.W

SAD

...

i know

im being such a dramma queen

graphic source: www.nataliedee.com

Back to school

Current Situation: Im retaking a course on Learning and Teaching Environments.

This school year was kinda tough for me, I was continusly depressed, anxious and bipolar and wouldnt attend to any of my classes, no one could look at me like that, I was such a failer.

Sometimes I'd think; "Im too damn fat to fit on those chairs".. or "way too skinny and people wont stop telling me i looked "sick"". - I used to care too much -.  Still do sometimes. Chances are I might not care that much anymore. Cause It's about time I start living, having responsabilities, breath for my on nosals instead of gmas and dads .. Man Im screwed.

First day was alright. I got to be in a new classroom with new people, although some of these people I knew from somewhere before. I recognize this girl I used to talk to -kindof-, but now I can't cause she's disfellowsheeped, which is a term, jw would use more likely for people that have made serious flaws (aka:sins) and as a discipline you cant talk to them anymore, from what I know, it works.. so fine!. Im pretty comfortable being a witness, I  wont change that now. Still, that makes things pretty uncomfortable. Now I also met this girl, that I've met before a while back, only that she changed a lot, A LOT, she's just not the same lil' girl. I like her, so is all good, I guess Ill talk to her. :)

I walked today from school to my house, to what other people in my class stare at me with a typical are-you-insane stare, ugh... people. I end up in a cafe having a chocolate muffin and a regular capuccino.. felt like crap.. obviously, but i felt i deserved it.. I think im a endorphins junkie :(, and well.. since I refuse to take it from people.. man Im gonna grow like a freaking whale!.. but.. no.. that wont happen, I wont allow myself to. ugh.

wow.. i totally miss my point here. grrAARG

Im just REALLY upset I had that.. and binge on other food later. But i have a plan. Im gonna lose weight dang it. :) I gotta take good pics for Paris on the summer right? :)

Bonjour Paris

BONJOUR! guess who is going to Paris this summer?? MOI!! yup! My uncle seems to be in a very good mood and I am no longer gonna ignore that, if he wants an can have me and my sister going and staying in his place for a month or two, I got no complains, I'll cook him quesadillas all day. :)

Now that I think about it, skipping my french lessons was such a huge mistake. I could've done better and not look like a complete loser in the parisian streets, it's gonna be priceless.. ^^

Im really excited, we're talking about PARIS! France, Rome, Spain, Holand, Germany!! not only the other side of the world but ... well ya.. the other side of the world :) how freaking awesome is it!! If I were you I would be dying of jelousy - just sayin -

i like that pic

He was just trying to see the inside of me, the hidden.

He wanted to know what was behind my grays,

 under my mask, underneath all those shades..

Behind the neutral, the automatic .

 I never allowed him to; 

the part of me he never knew.. that I still dont know..

the side I hide because it harms,

the monster in me I ignore and expect for the world to do the same

Not to accept it nor understand it.. just let go.

He promise he'd let go.. but I know it will happen again,

I knew my tears will come back, my secrets will be shown in my stare,

I'd push him away once again for no reason at all..

Im not there for me, Im not there for him.

There's no tania to share cause theres no tania at all.

"I never loved nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind

All these voices

I hear in my mind all these words

I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart"

by Regina Spektor