current status

Ok.. heres the deal.
ive been avoiding me posting this here.. but i figure i needed to let things out see if I can order my ideas and make any sense.

Lets talk about trich.. as I call it for short, also known as Trichotillomania (spelling) has been with me for over 10 years.. I wasnt aware of her companion until I started seeing the patches of no hair in my head.. and handful of hair behind my shoulders. I knew I had to stop.. I tried many things; gloves, hats, punshing myself, hair wet, hair wrap, haircuts, hair treatments, councelors, antidepressents, even highlights once so I could make myself feel better.. and there were times I was fine, but as soon as something would go wrong, stress or simple boredom .. u would see my hand goin up my head with no return ticket.

Trich or "hair pulling disorder", is usually known for the uncontrolled urge for pulling ones hair, either from your head, arms, legs, pubic hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. In my case I'd only do arms, sometimes eyebrows but mainly from my head, It has been categorazied as a obsesive compulsive disorder, theres people who also eat the hair, thats however not my case.

The first time I heard about Trich was on a Magazine about self-harm in 2004, I inmediatly said that wasnt me, It wasnt my case!, cause I wasnt punishing myself when I'd do it, many times it was just cause of boredom, for no reason, even without noticing. It was really hard for me to believe there was such a condition since everyone, EVERYONE.. would touch their hair from time to time right?, only that not ALL people would leave patches of no hair and be so frustrated about not being able to stop.

Commun Questions:
Does it hurt?
Front middle area, yes.
Above ears and sides, yes.
Middle of scalp, yes.
Everywhere else, no. It doesnt!. I dunno if I got used to, I just simply like it, I find it relaxing and yes, I do feel the hair getting out of te scalp, is alright, I dont mind it. And yeah.. if u pull my hair I will notice and slap you too, cause It does hurt and the only one pullin my hair will be mee, me not likes people touching my hair.

Am I bold?
NO.. been close to, but no.

Why dont you just stop?
I cant.. litteraly I just cant!.. You can hit me as many times as you want putting my hand down, Ill get it down, but that wot make me stop. Next thing can be my arms or lips.. (no hair on my lips i know, i mean if they are dry I usually take the dry skin off).
And you can show me the most horrible picture of a person with trich, no hair, w.e. I will freak out, I will react, but I wont stop.. I know that if I continue like this I will be bold in a matter of a year or more.. but that wont stop me. I cant stop.  And that is what really hurts.

Right now is like.. both ED and Trich had revealed against me. Those two lil bastards.. ugh.. Is been crazy lately, and Im afraid. My parents dont see a progress, I dont see a progress.. I am not feeling very good in my eating is concern.. Lets say that since I started restricting and fasting on purpose, now that I want to eat more is being really hard.. yesterday for instance I broke my streak of no purging.. but I just couldnt hold in my dinner.. it sucked.

Me wants a brain surgery. Im pretty screwed.