Reality Check

that's right.. i weigh myself this morning, after the jog...

I knew I had gained weight with all my binging on junk Ive been doing to myself lately, I was shaking when I step on the scale I just knew that like it always happens, this was again, a milestone.. this moment was huge, it was a reality check I had to take in order to make changes, and I thought of weighing myself again in another store as if the embarrancement from weighting myself in the street wasnt painful enough, I wanted to do it again, just to make sure.. how lame and OCD is that.. grrr.. anyways.. so I weigh what I thought was my worst case scenario, I've gone fat, big time!! and is not my ED talking, Im seriusy in the edge of become Overweight and Im scared like shit about it, wont lie a bit. Im T E R R I F I E D !!!

The moment I saw that number my head started heating up, I was angry, guilty, sad... feeling grumpy and in my head tons of ideas about fasting came across, even cutting... this is why weighting myself is such a huge thing for me, everything can happen either lead me to a 4000 calorie binge or to a 4 day fast. Go EDnos!.. But then I thought; I needed to do this for myself, I wasnt goin to be living a lie, I need facts!, not more lies, Im full of it! Is about time to see things as they are, accept them or do proper (healthy/sane) changes only to.. IMPROVE myself. what am I talking about? where is tania heading?

Hello?.. yeah, thats where Im heading towards! weighloss.. seems like Ive always been in this road, and well yeah I have, my entire life!..  but never actually get there, and if I do, I cant stay long thats because of my ways to getting there, they havent been functioning, instead Ive been screwing me over and over. Its time to break that cycle. I want change, I need to make it, Permanent!. so I will.. I've made mistakes like... you know typical water fast, binge, laxatives, fad diets, diet coke, splenda, coffee, duiretics.. they dont work, they just mess me up more. So Im starting little changes, and Im allowing to be hit by life, as it is, emotions and feelings, people and surroundings. I want to live. Sick of skiping. skiping meals, parties, goin out, moments, laughs, cries, memories, breaths... Im the one who's been fastfowarding my life, and is time to pause if for a sec, click play and actually enjoy it.

How am I gonna achieve weighloss withOUT fallin into my old ED habits?

I'll write, and let god do the work. :) Just like that.

So far, Is been 2 days diet coke free! and splenda free!.. I have been adding good quality and quantity of veggies and actual fruits to my meals and water, lots of it. I've been going for mornng jogs and Im loving it!.. and the fact I didnt inmediatly went overboard after reading THE number is huge.. my friends, that is MASIVE! I was able to hold myself, put myself together and let it go, let it passed. I breath and thought to myself, well.. these extra numbers and fat are going away anyways with my brand new healthy sane lifestyle..Im gonna give myself the time, space.. Im making a difference!

rite!